My impending doom
by Demonhunter2
Summary: Harry, Tom and Janeway try to pick-up the pieces after the death of Dean and their crew. Rated M for language and sexual situations! Just a quick note at the end, thanx to everyone who R&R'd, and those who just did one R ;
1. Chapter 1

Hello everyone!! I finally got this chapter done, I wanted to wait until my kids went to school. This year they started earlier for WorldSkills, so it is completely silent in my house. No one to nag me that they are hungry, or want the channel changed, no arguing, just silence!! 8) I have to say that I am much prouder of this chapter then the other story, and hopefully you guys won't have to wait too long in between chaps, I might even write another one tonight!! hi5!!

As well, this hasn't be beta'd, I unfortunately couldn't get one, so if anyone is up to the task, just PM me!!

Read, Enjoy, Review and be Marry!!!

Chapter 1--Sleepless in Space

Harry slowly opened his eyes, the room was dim, the air was light, his body still. The silence was overwhelming, the stillness was heavy, his eyes ached to be closed again, his body sluggish from the lack of sleep.

0630 hours

Darkness.

Stillness.

Death, carnage, blood, they married into a scene of survival instinct and pure, unadulturated cruelty, and anger. His breath quickened, the sweat began to form a thin line across his forehead.

_What are you thinking about? _The hellucination of Dean inquired, knowing the answer, taunting his father with his nightmares.

Harry lied still, as if there was no one sitting on the edge of his bed, his back to him.

_Why won't you answer me? _He turned his face towards Harry _What are you afraid of? The memories of your atroocities, the truth, the truth is, your coward, and you know it._

Harry got-up, reached under his bed and grabbed the bottle of booze he bought a few weeks ago. Drinking from the bottle directly, he drank greedily, he knew he was running low, but he just couldn't help himself, it was the only thing that helped. He walked towards the washroom, without looking in the cracked mirror, he took a sonic shower. After toweling himself off, shaving (advoiding the mirror as much as possible) and getting dressed, he proceeded for the exit.

_You still haven't answered my question. _Dean said in a somewhat annoyed tone.

Harry stopped, he mumbled to himself that Dean wasn't real, a mantra that become a lifeline to his sanity, then left his quarters. Making his way to the turbolift, relieved to see no one inside, he entered it and gave the command to the computer to take him to the mess hall.

_I think it's both._ He turned towards Harry, who was still ignoring him, he closed his eyes.

_Nightmares, and for that matter, reality, doesn't dissapear when you close your eyes._ Harry shuttered, this was too much for him to handle, he just wanted to forget Dean ever existed, he wanted to forget that he has.....had.....or more like will have a son. He surpressed the tears that pinched the corners of his eyes.

_Did you enjoy it?_ Harry opened his eyes and looked at his hellucination with inquisitively.

_Oh come on! You know what I am talking about. They murdered me, and you just sat back and let them kill me._

"I didn't" Harry defended.

_It's not like you really tried all that hard. I mean, I saw what you did to those three Mez'aps. _Harry's face went pale.

_You butchered them. You could have saved me._

"I tried." Harry scrapped two hands up and down his face, eventually through his thick hair, he wanted to rip the hellucination out of his mind, he wanted it to go away.

_I think you did enjoy it. Those bastard.....they tortured me. _Blood started to soak through Dean's clothes, two puddles of blood formed around his feet. Harry started to breath deeply, he could feel his breath getting stuck in his throat, suffocating him, he struggled, he knew it wasn't real, he covered his face, his whole body trembled as Dean spoke.

_Admit it you liked it! Putting the knife into those savages, you liked it! _Dean screamed.

The soft swishing sound of the doors opening was a welcome relief to Harry. Then he realized that someone might be standing there, he let-out a sigh of relief when he opened his eyes and there was no one. He turned to where Dean was standing, there was no one, no blood, no indictation that his dead son was ever there. He wipped his eyes, took a deep breath and fixed-up his hair the best he could.

He walked into the mess hall, he quickly surveyed the modist room, he hung his head when he saw Tom. It just wasn't his day, truth be told he hadn't had a good day since he found out about Dean. He walked-up to where Neelix was cooking, he picked-up a plate. He really wasn't hungry, it just didn't seem like a priority anymore, like the basic of life, of living were no longer a necessity, just another burden on his shoulders. He ate for show, if he ate no one questioned him. At least they didn't question if he was hungry, why he wasn't eating, was everything alright, was he depressed, the questions seemed endless, the line of questioners seemed endless.

"I have a delicious Tertarian egg omelet on the menu this morning." Neelix remarked with a smile, he waited for Harry to respond.

"Harry?" He waited again, the young man was transfixed in his own world, he placed a hand on his shoulder. "Harry."

"Oh! Yeah, that sounds great." he offered his plate and a fake warm smile. Neeliz could see it didn't reach his eyes, they were red, and slightly puffy. His skin was botchy, and pale, his hands shook slightly, and Neelix steady it by placing his hand underneath as he plated the omelet.

"Hey, Harry." Tom said cheerfully, Harry sighed, it was only 7:30 and it was already a shitty start to the day.

"Wanna join Belanna and me for breakfast?" Tom said with an anxious smile, every morning he offered Harry a seat at his table, and every morning Harry shut him out. He noticed the half-eaten meals his young friend left, the far off look, the strange way he was acting, like there was someone there when there was nothing.

Harry simply turned around and grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down; Tom followed.

"Listen." He sat down, he stretched out his hands clasping them together. "I know your having a hard time." Tom waited for a moment for some kind of response, then continued when he got none.

"But, if you need to talk, or want to go down to the holodeck. I have a new Captain Proton program. I'm sure you'll love it." Harry stuffed the first bite of the omelet in his mouth. He's heard this speach before. He heard it from Janeway, Belanna, Chakotay, The Doctor, even Tuvok seemed to have joined the bandwagon. He really wished they would just all shut-up, just shut-up and leave him alone.

"If you need anything....." _Oh yeah! Anything!_ He scoffed, then he put another bite in his mouth. He wasn't hungry, but it was for show, he needed them to see him eat. Make them think he was just fine, taking care of himself, the whole nine yards. But what he really wanted to do was find a secluded, dark corner, curl-up, and just be alone.

"What's so funny?" Harry just continued to eat.

"I'm trying to help you." Tom seemed to becoming aggitated. "I get it, your angry at me. You have every right to be."

"Thanx for the permission, now I can really be mad you." Harry remarked, looking down, he was just stabbing his food now, he couldn't pretend to want to eat anymore.

"I didn't meant it like that."

"No, of course not, you never mean anything." Harry slammed his fork down. "You didn't mean to lie to me, to keep secrets, you didn't mean for me to ever find out that I'm going to die." Harry yelled, ignoring the numberous faces staring back at him.

"You fucked-up Tom, and now you want to make it all better."

"Your right I did screw-up, but if you just listen to me."

"And what? Listen to more lies. No more, you fucked-up, just like you fucked your own life. I guess one life wasn't enough."

"I was ordered..." Tom found himself defending himself again, this wasn't the first time he had to defend his actions to Harry. This was how there conversations always turned out, how Tom betrayed Harry, the man never listened to him, to be honest he was getting tired of defendign himself, it had been 3 months, a part of him wanted to tell Harry to get over it.

"You were ordered, that's what you keep saying, you had no problems going against Starfleet when you helped the Maqui, you had no problem going against orders when you wanted to be a hero to the Moreans. But for me, you wouldn't dare." Tom went silent, he felt as if Harry had just stabbed him in the heart. When did Harry become so cruel? He just wanted to have a few with his best friend, go down to Sandrine's play some pool, laugh, just be friends again.

"Just let me help you, let me make it right."

"You want to help me." Harry stood-up and threw his plate. "Stop looking at me like that, stop asking me how I'm doing. Stop....." Harry was now screaming at the top of his lungs, the anger in his eyes was so intense it seemed to consum him, Tom hadn't seen anything like it before, at least not in Harry. It scared him.

"Looking at my damn food, stop following me around, just leave me alone." He moved closer to Tom, who stood-up with his hands-up, palms out in a defensive manner. It was becoming more obvious with every passing day, Harry was loosing his grip on his sanity. He knew Harry was angry at him, but this went beyond the lie he told, the lie he was forced to tell.

"Ensign." Tuvok, who was sitting at a table not too far away, had now moved closer to the quarreling friends when Harry started on his tyrate.

"Restrain yourself, or I will." Harry turned to him.

"Shut-up! Just shut-up." He pointed a finger straight into the Vulcan's face. Although he always kept his emotions in check, he found the finger in the face to be quiet irritating.

"There is a time and a place for everything, this is not the time, nor the place to settle your dispute. I suggest you resolve this another time." Harry took a few deep breaths, he ran a hand through his hair. He looked around at his fellow crew mates, they looked at him....like....

_Like your crazy._ Dean finished his thoughts. Once again Dean appeared out of no where. Harry stumbled backwards, knocking his chair over, he looked at his crewmates, none of them responded to Dean, none of them even acknowledged his presence.

They must know he's there, he had just spoken, he's a dead man in the middle of the mess hall, and no one is even looking at him. Maybe he isn't the crazy one, maybe they are. Tom followed his friend's eyeline, seeing nothing there he moved one step forward.

"Harry, why don't you let me take you to the infirmary. You...." He took a beat, not knowing what exactly to say, it seemed these days everything set Harry off.

"You can rest there." He took a deep breath and held it, he just wanted Harry to be alright.

"I think that is an excellent idea." Tuvok agreed.

"I, I'm late for duty." Harry started for the door, Tuvok moved to stop him.

"I do not believe you are fit for duty." Tuvok said with his monotoned voice.

"I'm just fine, if people would just leave me alone, I wouldn't have to constantly remind people that I'm fine." He side stepped Tuvok, and headed for the door.

Katherine sat in her quarters, it was nearly 0659 hours, she hadn't slept very well, the dead weighed heavily on her chest, she could feel them suffocating her as she attempted to sleep. She often woke to the sounds of the photon torperodes crashing into her ship, the lifeless corpse lying on the ground, her and the surviving crew having to drag their bodies to the cargo bay, placing their limp bodies into the coffins. She spent hours drafting the eulogies, letters to their families, telling the tale of their beloved's death.

She didn't cry, it seemed odd to her, she had lost so many of her crew, she had failed so many, and yet, she didn't cry. Not because she didn't care for them, she did, immensely. She didn't like to cry, she saw no real use for it. Her eyes would get all puffy, red, her nose ran like a leaky faucet. She was the captain, there is no room for red eyes, and runny noses. It was a loss of control, she had to admit it, she didn't like to loose control, she didn't like the crew to think she had lost control. She was their captain, and captain's don't cry for their lost crew.

The computer chimmed in, it was 0700 hours. Another sleepless night, another long day of duty. Her legs felt heavy when she stood-up, her lungs contracted as she walked, she could feel herself suffocating, her heart tightened, a sharp grip, as if someone had reached into her chest and squeezed her internal organs tight, twisting it, wrecking it in malicious glee, she imagine a grotesque creature with long, thin hands, their fingers intertwining with her heart muscles, her lungs. She could almost see it's foul smile, smirking as it let down it's punishment that it....she felt she deserved.

She lurked forward, she caught herself on a chair, she felt nausea, running to the washroom she barely made it to the toilet to throw-up last night's dinner. The coolness of the porcelain felt like ice on her burning forehead, she heaved, soon dryness took over, she stumbled as she stood. She looked in the mirror, splashing water onto her face, and into her mouth she rinsed it clean.

She quickly took a sonic shower, it was ice cold, it was never hot, or warm for that matter, it wasn't even lukewarm, just icy, frigid cold water. Shivering she got dressed, did her hair and make-up and walked out of her quarters. She found Chakotay coming out of his quarters on her way to the turbo lift. She smiled and greeted him, she stayed strong for him, for the crew, she wouldn't fail them this time, like so many times. She now viewed many of her past decisions with cruel, unforgiving and unbitting critizism, she destroyed the Aray, she allowed the Kayzans and Seska to take over the ship, she lost a crewman, a newborn baby could have died.....because of her.

She rescued Seven, but was that a mistake, would she turn on her? Would Chakotay and the other Maqui betray her? She began polite, small talk with him, he commented on repair schedules, how they were delayed, _again,_ she sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. This time it was a lack of raw materials, the warp core was finally up and running, they had fixed it a month after the attack, but it was constantly on the fritz. They often had to bargain, trade, even offer services to other species, space stations filled with rift rafts, transients, undesirable people.

"Katherine," He took a beat, his brown eyes settled uneasily on her slender frame, she looked weakened, weary, it seemed as everyday passed by, she became more and more enervated, indifferent to her ever so failing phsyical and mental well being.

"Are you alright?" He inquired with care and sympathy.

"Why wouldn't I be?" She lifted her head, looking straight ahead, she didn't dare look into his soulful eyes. They were like hot plates, and she was the butter.

"Computer, halt turbo lift." He turned to her. "You can't be seriouse. I'v noticed how stressed you've been." He paused for a moment, he truely expected her to start arguing, and he became even more worried when she didn't.

"We lost 17 crewmembers, that's a huge hit, we all feel it. But, I think you feel it more....more then anyone on this ship, you feel it."

She took a deep breath in, and let the air move heavily through her lips. "Computer resume course."

"Computer, belay that order."

She turned to him incorrigibly.

"We're not done talking Katherine."

"We are, because I say we are." She gripped her pants into a fistful of fabric.

"No, we need to talk about this. You blame yourself......"

"Who else is there to blame?" She snapped.

"How about the Mez'aps, they kidnapped two people off of this ship, they attacked us."

"And I didn't put enough distance between us. I am the captain, and I make life and death decisions that effect every member of this crew."

"And whether you like it or not, we loose people, it's a fact of life when your in a command position."

"17 people is a fact of life?"

"I admit it's a hit......"

"A hit!" She angrily snorted and shook her head. "It's more like the Titanic hitting the iceberg."

"We're not sinking, we still have a capable crew..."

"Computer, resume course." She turned back facing the doors, she gave him a sideways look, she knew he took being cut off like that as a personal insult, she knew she had to talk about it, but she couldn't, she just couldn't.

They stood there silently, the doors swished open, and they walked to the mess hall together. They heard Harry yelling, it wasn't the first time he'd had a public outburst. They watched silently, Chakotay moved forward to calm Harry when he threw his plate, but Katherine stopped him. He soon was storming out, he looked crazed, he was pulling at hair, she followed him, but stopped herself from confronting him. He was angry at Tom for the secrets he kept, but he hated her for the secrets she kept. For making Dean stay silent, but mostly he hated her for not protecting him. He never said this out loud, but she knew, she hated herself for not protecting him and Dean.

She turned around, she lost her appetite, she quickly walked into the mess hall and poured herself a cup of coffee and walked out. She said nothing to Chakotay, it was only 7:30 and it was already a shitty day.

It was 0630 hours, the computer chimmed in, Tom groaned, he had a sleepless night. He slept, but then he would wake-up, his mind went to Harry. Their troubled relationship, he would lie there, mulling over different situations, maybe he can drag him down to the holodeck. He tossed and turned, maybe they could just go down to Sandrine, get a pint, shoot some pool, he could add some good looking waitresses that only had eyes for Harry. He smiled, but it was quickly whipped away, he knew it wouldn't work, nothing seemed to work.

He stood-up and headed for the sonic showers, he groaned again. He really didn't want to take a sonic shower, it was hot, it was always hot. Not tolerably hot, not warm, not even some what managably cold, but pipping hot. He played with the idea of not taking a shower, but he didn't take one yesterday, and Belanna spent the night in his quarters. Yep, he had to take one; going to the bridge, smelling like sex, just wasn't an option.

He stepped in, the scolding hot water, he tried to keep his sopranic solo to a whisper, but damn was the water hot. When he got out, he saw Belanna standing there, trying her best not to laugh.

"I see my suffering amuses you." He quipped.

"I'm sorry." She burst out in laughter "It's not funny." She managed.

"Apparentily it is."

"No, it's just, you sing so well in the shower." She laughed again. He walked past her, and got dressed.

As soon as they walked into the mess hall he scanned it quickly, inconspicuously, he glanced over at Belanna, she had that weary look in her eyes. He hated that weary look, she hated giving it, but lately she had been worried about Tom. She felt his restlessness during the night, his trouble concentrating, she could feel the weight he held on his shoulders, heck she could practically see it.

She sighed heavily. He smiled at her, it was a full, teethy grin, made of pretense, ingeniuse happness, the type that said, I'm fine and oh god! Don't ask me if I'm alright, I just can't take another, are you alright.

They sat, he fiddled with his food, he ate half-hearitly, he mostly spend the time cutting the strange egg, and "mock sausage" as Neelix called it, more like mock food, with mock eating, mock this is better then real sausage, and mock enjoyement. He moved his food around, it looked like he was eating, truth be told, he couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think until he got the site that met him that day. Harry, lying on the ground, cut open, from what he learned later on, self-inflicted.

All that blood, the look in Harry's eyes, he sat with the young man for days, all these years on Voyager, all their antics, crazy adventures, and hillarious pranks, Tom had come to think of the younger man as a kid brother he never had. They even cut their palms, spat on it, and shook, official blood brothers.

He actually ate his food, the purple egg, and "mock sausage" wasn't half bad, the pancakes were horrendous, and the syrup was green with yellow streams, and Tom could have sworn he saw something move in it, but he was a bit scared to ask Belanna if she saw the samething, she just finished her meal. That was when Harry walked in, she sighed, again. He couldn't help it, he joined in, it seemed the sigh, maybe the sentiment, the dread, or possibly both where contagious.

"Don't go over there Tom. Just....let him be." She pleaded, he could see that she was just as tired as he was, no, that was impossible, she didn't see what he saw, he didn't feel the same burden he felt. It was much stronger, much heavier, he just couldn't let it go.

The doctor made a comment the other day, he said Tom had to resolve his issues with Harry. Saying that keeping this bottled-up would eventually effect his psychical well-being, he needed to talk. He hated **talking**. He'd rather make a joke, wear a rediculously bright, overly busy Hawaiin shirt, sip some outragously bright drink with a miniture umbrella and get a good old fashion tan that only lasted until you leave the holodeck. Yep! You can burn your skin until your a broiled lobster served with butter on the beachs of Tahiti, then go to shift duty and no one would know.

Tom stood-up, he didn't hear what B'lanna said, he didn't want to know, he didn't care, he wanted things to get better. He walked to Harry, and got the usual reception, maybe Tom could sell the South Pacific, mention the holodeck, and everyting will be alright. He then remebered the Captain Proton program where Captain Proton conveniently gets captured and his trusty sidekick has to save him.

He sat down, started in on the usual speach, the "I'm there for you." speech, he hated saying it, Harry hated hearing it, he knew he had to say it, Harry knew he had to hear, it was a strange nagging voice in both of their respective heads, way back there with the cobwebs, that small voice that missed the friendship, normalcy, boring routine system checks, monthly senior staff member meetings, that gave the same old questions with almost always the same boring answers. There was something to be said about boring, there was comfort there like a hot lazy Sunday afternoon, sitting in a hammock, the smell of fresh cut grass, and the taste of cool lemonade. There wasn't comfort in the look in Harry's eyes, he looked like he was ready to kill Tom, and Tom believed he would!

He never believed Harry would harm anyone, maybe he would just stun a hostile alien, wound them, but kill, it just wasn't in his nature. Then Tom remebered seeing all that blood, his friend's chest cut open, he tried to forget, the beachs of Tahiti, he would head over there after his shift.

He followed Harry's eyeline, nothing again, but there was something, there was always something there, in the corner, no one saw but Harry. It was a monster, it had to be a monster, the young ensign ran away from it every chance he got. After a while, Tom, figured it out, well, it was more like a feeling about what it was, more like, who it was. He suggested a rest, and was somewhat surprised that Harry didn't fly off the deep end, he ran off, Tom had enough, he had nothing else to give to his young friend, he jut couldn't do it anymore.

"Are you going to follow him?" He turned towards Belanna, he stood there for a moment, then just simply shook his head. He sat down, quietly and ate the aweful pancakes with green and yellow syrup.

Man it was only 7:30 in the morning, and it was already a shitty day.


	2. Chapter 2

Hi everyone!! I know it's been a while, but I have been a little sick, and school started for my kids, and girl guide/boy scouts!!! So, been a little busy!! This is a relatively short update, but quality vs. quantity, quality always wins!! :)

Also, I didn't want to add more to this chapter, I think were I left it is perfect, and it will leave everyone wanting more :) ;)

R&R, and enjoy!!

**Chapter2--Sex and Violence**The doctor watched Harry as the Captain, Tuvok, and Tom tried to convince the young man to go to treatment. His behaviour had become increasingly unpredictable, and unstable. He obviously wasn't fit for duty, he frequentily made mistakes, was hostile to many of his crewmates, and ordered alcohol during duty, however his off-duty behaviour was even more disturbing.

* * *

"I don't know what kind of treatment your expecting me to go in for?" He blurted out, he sat there quietly for too long, he couldn't listen to them anymore, they didn't understand his situation, none of them could.

"You are obviously not well." Tuvok quickly answered. "You need to control your emotions, I would be more then willing to help you manage them."

"I don't need you to help me manage my emotions, I don't feel anything, I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm not anything." Harry said, he kept his eyes forward, not looking at anyone in particulare, his arms crossed over his chest, he answered flatly, in a monotoned voice.

"It sounds to me like you are depressed." The doctor finally spoke-up, all eyes went from the doctor to Harry, they were all desperate to find a solution. Harry felt incredicably uncomfortable, his arms started to itch, his legs felt like they were on fire, he swore he could feel their eyes burning a whole through him.

"It sounds like your dick." He spat back.

"Ensign." Janeway warned, she wasn't taking anymore of his crap, like Tom, Katherine was getting tired of being blamed.

_You feel nothing, I guess that means I have never meant anything to you. _The walls began to bleed, slowly oozing from the ceiling down the walls. I_ guess I now know how you really felt about me, you let me die._

Harry tried to stay calm, he could no longer hear what the others were saying. He could hear Dean's heartbeat, it raced, pulsating, vibrating in his ears, he thought his eardrumbs were going to explode.

_I died for you, for what I thought you stood for, now I know it was a lie, and I died for nothing. _He screamed.

Dean fell to the ground, his body started to seize, his eyes went into the back of his head. The blood on the walls quickly oozed onto the floor, surrounding Harry, he felt something sticky on his hands, he soon found himself covered in blood. He could hear Dean gasping for air, then he stopped, his chest arched-up at the ceiling fall flat onto the ground. His head turned towards Harry, he could hear laughter, laughter of the Seanix and his cronies, they suddenly appeared, laughing, taunting. They too were covered in blood, Dean's and their own. Harry coud see the horrific injuries he inflicted. They laughed more, and move towards Harry.

What happened next was a blur, it happened so fast, he didn't even know that he was being restrained, and sedated. When he shut his eyes he could still see the blood.

* * *

Tom sat at his favourite bar stool, he nursed his drink, his chin resting in the palm of his hand. He hadn't heard the captain walk in, she took a seat beside him and mimicked his posture, he turned to her and raised an eyebrow.

"What? Your not the only one having a bad day." She commented, he turned back around and resumed his brooding.

"The doctor.." He raised a hand to stop her.

"Please, I really don't want to know. I just want to sit here."

They sat quietly, the silence was comforting to each of them. This place didn't expect anything, the holodeck people expected nothing of these two, silence wasn't awkward in here.

After a while, Tom finally broke the silence "You were right." He conceded quietly.

"About what?"

"About, keeping Dean's paternity quiet." She laughed.

"I couldn't have been more wrong."

"Do you really believe that?" He looked her in the eyes, she thought he was joking, but she could see the wearyness was pulling him down, he had no more energy for joking around.

"Do you really believe I did the right thing?" She asked to avoid the question.

"How could you think you didn't?"

"We're going around in circles, and I really don't want to talk about this." She turned around to leave.

"That's right, just leave, you don't want to deal, Harry doesn't want to deal,and I get it, I don't blame you. I can hardly deal with everything, I'm just so damn....." He trailed off, he covered his face with his hand, rubbing it hard.

"So, damn tired." He finished quietly.

She turned around, sat back beside him, and with tears in her eyes she said.

"18 people are dead because of my decision, how is that the right thing?"

"Their deaths are not your fault." He defended.

"I'm the captain, it is my job to protect my crew. Their deaths _are_ my fault." She chuckled a little. "You sound like Chakotay. He's always saying it's not my fault, I have to talk about it."

"He's right." He put a hand on her shoulder, She looked him in his blue eyes, they were perfectly clear orbs of sky blue, they made her want to cry more.

"Is he? I've had this conversation in my head..." She shook her head slightly. "a million times. I try,I try to rationalize it, but I know I made a huge mistake. Harry hates me."

Tom laughed "Welcome to the club, Harry hates me too!!"

They looked at each other and laughed again "Harry hates everyone and everything." Tom said.

"I'm sorry." She said sulking.

"For what?"

"I came in here to cheer you up, and I've done a piss poor job."

"You realize you just said piss poor." He gave her a humouress look then they both burst out in laughter.

Tom wipped his eyes "You've done a great job of cheering me up! I feel much better." He said honestly.

"I'm happy." She smiled, she always noticed how attractive he was, in the dim lights of the bar, the keys of the piano playing in the background, it was solemn, but it played to her sole. She could feel it inside of her, her heart beat in unison.

She took a deep breath, her chest heaved, she moved slightly closer to him. He noticed that she moved closer, how her breast became fuller with each breath. He moved closer to her. So close, they were almost cheek to cheek, he pressed his lips against her's. Katherine put her hand against his chest, he was much more musculare then he appeared in his uniform, she could feel his heart pound heavily against her palm.

This was a place of undersanding, of comfort, no one knew what they felt, the dread they had been wading through the past 3 months. However, none of that matter at this moment, there was no fear, anger, hatred, they didn't feel tired. What they did feel was passion, as they became one, they forgot that anyone else existed for a short while.

After the passion, came shame. They both knew what they had done, Tom was with Belanna, Katherine, even though it was never spoken, did have feelings for Chakotay. They both felt as if they had betrayed someone very dear, and what had started as comfort, a way to cope with their unending melancholy, now it was just more added weight to their despressive state.

Katherine, once dressed, stormed out, Tom wanted to talk to her, tell her he was sorry. But, he knew it was useless, how could he convince her of something he didn't even believe himself. He turned around, he put his hand through his hair, then threw a chair at the shelves of liquor.

* * *

EK!! Tom and Janeway!! Read more to see what will happen next!! I know you guys are bitting your nails to see what will happen next LOL!!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 is up!! :) The story will start to really pick-up after this chapter!!! Where does Harry go from here, and most importantily what will happen with Janeway/Paris/Torres!! I know your all bitting your nails LOL!! But, hopefully it won't take me long to write the next chap!! Enjoy!!!

R&R!!!

**Chapter 3--Lithium**

Tom walked through the hallways of Voyager, as he got closer to the infirmary an ever present pit in his stomach made itself more noticable. It was almost unbearable, it almost hurt.

He entered the infirmary for his shift, he saw the Doctor lead Harry gentily to one of the bio-beds. They spoke, to be more precise the Doctor was talking, Harry just sat there, ignoring him. The Doctor spoke softly, Tom could tell from where he was standing, a part of him told him to go and assist the Doctor, but a larger, louder part of him said to keep his distance.

He started to pace, his mind went to what happened in the holodeck the night before. He remembered the heat, he remembered her body, the way she felt, the way she tasted, the curves of her hips, the sound of her heart mercilessly pounding against her breasts, the sweat on her back, the sweat on his brow. He had always thought of her as attractive, but last night she was a goddess.

"Are you listening?" The Doctor said, raising his voice slightly. Tom turned around, embarrassed, he hoped his face wouldn't betray him to the Doctor.

"What?" Tom said slightly disorrientated.

"I said, I have to debrief you on Mr. Kim's condition." The Doctor said, taking in Tom's strange behaviour.

"Are you alright?" The Doctor took out his tricorder to examine the young man. Tom moved away.

"I'm fine...."

"Your sweating, your heart rate is up, and you seem disorrientated. You maybe ill." He made another move to examine Tom, and again Tom moved away.

"I said I'm fine. I....I was just thinking of....some....something." Tom stammered, he really was hoping the Doctor would let this die.

The Doctor raised his eyebrow, he wasn't buying Tom's story, he opened his mouth.

"You want to debrief me, I, I really.....really don't want to be a part of his treatment. Maybe you can ask someone else to help you." He then wiped his brow from the sweat.

"I know this has been difficult...."

"Difficult...." Tom scoffed "That's an interesting way to put it. Difficult would be more like the bolts on a carborator that just won't loosen-up. Difficult would be telling the ship to go ¼ impulse, and it goes at ½! This has been a nightmare."

"Imagine how it's been for Mr. Kim...."

"I know exactly how it has been for him." he snapped.

"No, you haven't, it's not entirely his fault." The Doctor defended.

"So now your just going to excuse his behaviour. I am sick and tired of him going off the deep end just because I make a harmless suggestion." Tom walked to Harry.

"I know what you've gone through." He said raising his voice slightly, he could feel himself loosing control, teetering over the edge.

"But, your a selfish, self-serving BASTARD!!" He found himself screaming, he didn't know what came over him, he didn't think Harry was a selfish, self-serving bastard, but all the anger, resentment, and tongue bitting came back, in droves.

"I have bit my tongue, countless times, I have been walking on eggshells for months. Not just me, but B'ellanna, Chakotay, hell even the captain has had to watch what she says to you. You want to blame me for not telling the truth, fine! I lied Harry, I lied to you, you fucking idiot, because I was ordered to lie, but now I see it was the right decision."

He turned around, started to pace, the Doctor watched in shock, Harry just sat there, his eyes on the ground.

"Mr. Paris, control youself. This isn..."

"I will tell you this, I didn't, or more like, I am not the one whose going to supposidely kill you. I am not responsible for what **will **supposidely happen to you, that is...." he pointed a finger straight at the younger man. "Solely on you, you are going to make some huge mistakes, and let's face it, that's what's really eating you up, ISN'T IT!"

"I didn't kill Dean! You killed him." Tom shouted on the top of his lungs. He regretted the words the moment he said them. He was appauled by them.

"Harry, I did...."

"Don't." Harry said softly. "Your right, you didn't kill him, I did."

"No, you didn't." The Doctor glared at Tom, he had spent most of yesterday afternoon, and this morning telling Harry that the unfortunate events on board the Seanix's ship was not his fault, and in a matter of a few minutes it went right out the proverable air lock.

"Harry, he's right. I've....I've been stressed, and I didn't mean. I'm sorry."

"I'm really not feeling well, I just want to lie down." Harry never looked at Tom, he lied down, the Doctor informed him that he would be sedated to help him sleep. Once Harry was asleep, the Doctor slammed the tricorder onto the bio-bed.

"I spent most of yesterday, and today trying to convince him what happened wasn't his fault." He chastised.

"I don't know what got over me, I didn't mean it."

"You already said that, but the damage is done, Mr. Paris." he said with a calmer tone, but he still kept it very stern.

"I'll talk to him when he wakes-up."

"No, you won't." The Doctor snapped.

"What's wrong with him?" Tom inquired, he didn't know how to make things better, it seemed these days he only knew how to make things worse.

"Right now, I am more worried about you. You said you've been stressed." His tone was more sympathetic.

"Oh god!" Tom shook his head "I did something....really.....really stupid last night."

"Naturally."

"It's just that...." He stopped himself, he couldn't even tell the Doctor, even if he did ask him to stay quiet, he knew he couldn't betray the captain's trust.

"What?"

"Nothing. What's wrong with Harry?"

"Whatever happened last night, anything you tell me it's confidential."

"I bet."

"Well, as long as it isn't against protocal, or an infectious disease, I will not tell anyone."

"Why won't you just tell me what's wrong with him?" Tom snapped, starting to feel the stress of keeping the secret, of knowing that he cheated on B'elanna.

"Why won't you tell me what happened?"

"Because, I'm not the only one involved."

The Doctor took an exasperated breath, even though he didn't actually take in any air, he liked the effect that it had.

"I will not betray confidentiality of either one of you." The Doctor reassured, Tom took a quick look at the door, then turned back to the Doctor.

"I, I, um....I slept with a woman last night."

"Well, it's nice you acknowledge Lt. Torres is a woman."

"It wasn't....her."

"Oooooh!" Tom shifted uncomfortably "I see. My condolences."

"For what?"

"B'elanna's going to kill you when she finds out."

"Thanx Doc, I feel so much better."

"My pleasure." The Doctor smirked.

"Aren't you suppose to say something to the effect, don't worry about it? Something more comforting then she's going to kill me."

"Your right. I should say something."

"You see, bedside manners."

"Aren't, isn't a word." The Doctor walked to his office,

"Funny!" Tom followed the Doctor to his office, they sat at the table, the Doctor pressed a few buttons at his personal computer.

"It's your fault, getting involved with a half-Klingon, and then cheating on her. If I didn't know any better I'd say your suicidial."

"I just needed someone to......" He trailed off, he wasn't certain he wanted to discusse something so personal with the Doctor.

"You needed someone to....what?" He scrunched his face, he didn't undestand why this was so difficult for Tom to explain.

"You know, I would usually talk to Harry about this."

"He's obviously not in any shape to deal with your.....indiscretion."

"I know." Tom conceded.

"Why don't you tell her the truth. She might forgive you if your honest." The Doctor said, he wasn't as angry now, but he still had a low simmering disgust for Tom's behaviour earlier.

"That's if she doesn't kill you first." He swiveled the computer to face Tom and continued "I have found something disturbing in Mr. Kim's blood work."

"Disturbing?"

"I found foreign DNA in his blood." The Doctor said tenatively, he had to admit this was beyond anything he had seen before, and he had seen a lot of strange, and peculare things, but nothing like this.

"Foreign DNA? How did it get inside of him?" Tom felt a familiar twist of the knot in his stomach, he had a bad feeling the foreign DNA wasn't the disturbing part the Doctor was refering to.

The Doctor signed.

"The only possible way was for him to ingest it."

"I'm still really confused, this DNA, it's not humoid? Is it?"

"Unfortunately, it is." Tom couldn't believe what he was hearing, the Doctor couldn't be suggesting what he thought he was suggesting.

"I don't know exactly how it happened. However, when Dean and Harry were beamed back onto the ship, he was covered in blood, none of which was his own."

"I know, I found him, them, I found both of them." Tom found himself stammering, he felt like he was falling apart, what else could be throw at him? How much more could he take?

"I believe it would be safe to assume that Mr. Kim had to fight his way out, it is possible some of the blood may have, accidentily, been ingested." If the Doctor could, he would have swallowed. If he could intake any air, he would have held his breath, but he did clench his teeth, and he clinched his fist tightly.

"It is also possible, it was done intentionally." The Doctor continued.

"Intentionally? Who would do something like that?"

"The blood has a protein, it traveled through his blood stream to his lymph nodes, where it has begun reproducing, and his lymph nodes are disbursing it like a normal hormone. This protien however, is no where near being a normal hormon. It's literally wrecking havoc on his system. It mimics the symptoms of Schizophrenia."

"Schizo-what?" Tom looked at him quizzically, he could have sworn the Doctor made that word-up.

The Doctor exhaled exasperated "Only you Mr. Paris would say, Schizo-what" He shook his head, he wondered for a moment if he didn't have the wrong person in his infirmary.

"Schizophrenia, is a psychical and psychological disorder that humans use to suffer from. It was actually very common, and sometimes can be passed down from family member to family member."

"And he has something similiar to schizo, schizo....?"

"Schizophrenia. Humans use to believe that demons possession was the cause for the suffurer's strange behaviour. It took hundreds of years for humans to realize it was a real condition, fortunately, a cure was found over 300 years ago."

"Okay, so what are we exactly dealing with?"

"There are two types of sympatoms, negative and positive. Negative symptoms are a lack of interest, loss of motivation, lack of emotion, problems concentrating. Positive symptoms are hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia."

"That's Harry alright. So, if you have a cure, this should be easy to help him."

"I said it mimics the symptoms of the disease. The cure is another matter. I have begun to treat him, but there are complication. Mr. Kim.......is an alcoholic." Tom lowered his head, he had his suspicions.

"This doesn't surprise you." The Doctor said astonished.

"I caught him a few times drunk, but, I thought that synthale wasn't addictive."

"It isn't synthale he's been consuming. How many times is a few times?" The Doctor hedged, he wasn't going to let Tom off the hook.

"Once, maybe twice. I tried to talk to him, but I got the usual reaction. I didn't know it was this serious. Did you tell him he's an alcoholic?"

"He's in denial."

"Of course he is." Tom muttered.

"Speaking of denial, when were you planning on coming to me with your problem?" The Doctor crossed his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow.

"Problem? What problem? I just told you about...."

"That isn't what I'm talking about and you know it." The Doctor snapped, he was quiet for a moment, hoping Tom would take the lead, Harry wasn't the only one having trouble dealing the past few months.

"Your depressed Mr. Paris, nothing is going to get better if you don't at least try to."

"I'm not depressed." Tom defended, but found he didn't have the energy to have another arguement with the Doctor.

"You have all the classic symptoms of depression."

"You know this just by looking at me." He scoffed "I'm just fine." He stood-up.

"I have an acute visual diagonostic capabilities, that and I scanned you when you weren't looking."

Tom sat down, he felt like a weight had been taken off his shoulders, even if it was short-term.

"I'm not fine, not by a long shot."

"The good news is your treatment should be a lot easier then Mr. Kim's. We can set a schedule of medication and sessions for you, we can work around your bridge duty."

"Medication? Sessions? I don't think so, I guess.....I could talk about....it, but I'm not taking medication." Tom shifted uneasily.

"You have to, to regulate the chemicals in your brain. You also need to talk about Dean's death. I know it hasn't just effected Mr. Kim, but you as well."

"Fine."

"Well, that was easy." The Doctor remarked astonished.

"I am so tired; I'm tired of worrying about Harry, I'm tired of forcing myself out of bed, to put a fake smile on my face. I'm tired of always having these thoughts."

"What thoughts?"

"Sometimes, I think it would be a whole lot easier if I killed Harry." Tom shifted uneasily. "Both of us."

"I see, how many times have you had these thoughts?" The Doctor could see the problem was a lot more serious then he first estimated.

"I don't know, once....or three times."

"I won't lie to you, that is disturbing. But, it's natural to have anger, resentment towards him. He hasn't made it easy for you."

"It's natural to want to kill my best friend."

"Well....no! But, the feelings are."

"Whatever. When do we start?"

"Right away."

* * *

Reviews are always great appreciated :)


	4. Chapter 4

Hey everyone!!! Sorry this took so long, I had to really contemplate where I was going with this story. I kinda knew where I was going, but the exact details needed some serious ironing out!! To say the least., and yes that was my head doing a major *headesk*

Just a few notes here, I know this may seem like Harry is just having one bad thing happen after another, but I promise things will get better for him. :) As well, I hope the ending won't be...er, too surprising!! And plz stop throwing tomatoes, you guys have to agree it's more fun when things are more complicated!!! Ahahahaha!!!

R&R greatly appreciated!!!

Chapter 4--The tower is short, but the fall is endless

"Mr. Kim?" The Doctor bent down in front of Harry, who was sitting on the floor, shaking. The shakes started 10 days ago, they seemed to come and go as they pleased, like they had a mind of their own, much like the other symptoms Harry had exhibited.

"How are you feeling today?" The Doctor inquired, he ran the tricorder over the young man's body, knowing the answer before Harry could answer. He was quiet, pale, a small pool of tears had now dried just under his eyes, he didn't answer.

"I know this is difficult, but you have to remember it's not real." He wiped away a tear from under his eye then stood-up.

"Why do you even bother?" Tom asked exasperated.

"I hope your not giving-up." The Doctor walked to a medical tray, and replaced the tricorder for a hypospray.

"No. But he doesn't hear you, he's completely consumed by his hellucinations." Harry gasped, he started to claw at his skin, scratch and tearing, he began to bleed, then he screamed.

Tom and the Doctor held him down, the Doctor injected him with a hypospray, he stopped struggling, but still seemed to be transfixed by the hellucinations.

"I'm going to sedate him he needs to rest, help me get him on the bio-bed." Tom nodded, and together they helped Harry onto the bed.

Tom put a hand on his friend's shoulder, who looked right at him, Tom knew Harry didn't know he was there, most likely he couldn't feel his touch, but it broke his heart to see his friend like this.

"Help me." Harry said softly, the Doctor and Tom looked at each other.

"We're trying to."

"I'm....I'm scared. I don't know what's real." Harry began to cry "Are you real?"

Tom could feel his throat tighten-up, his eyes started to water, he found it hard to speak, to breath. He held Harry's hand in his.

"You feel that, that's my hand." He squeezed his hand "You feel the warmth, the touch, it's real, I'm real."

"Mr. Kim, I'm going to sedate you, you need to rest." Harry nodded his head, soon he was asleep, Tom walked away, covering his face with his hand, the Doctor followed him.

"Are you alright?"

"Just leave me alone." Tom screamed at him, "Leave me the hell alone."

"Okay, I'll be...."

"Just go!" He snapped.

The Doctor walked back to Harry, if he could cry he would, he wanted to scream, to throw something, he has never felt so helpless as a psyician. He looked down at the self-inflicted wounds, they were deep, and were still bleeding. He picked-up a tricorder as the Captain and a man who he recognized as Cor'tanian walked in.

"Doctor, how's he doing?" She crossed her arms over her chest.

"Not well." He answered, then looked at the man that stood just behind the captain, the Doctor could tell he was visually examing his patient.

"Are these self-inflicted?" He pointed to Harry's arms.

"Yes, they are. Who are you?"

"I'm sorry, this is Dr. Marran, Dr. Marran this is our doctor." The captain introduced them "We contacted the Cor'tans, apparentily there have been others who have been infected, they refered us to Dr. Marran, he's a specialist."

"You've treated other successfully?" The Doctor inquired cautiously.

"I have an institution 50 light years from here, I have treated others for over 11 years now. We had a breakthrough 5 years ago. What can you tell me about his symptoms?"

"Mr. Kim is human, you've never treated a human, his psyicology is different from Cor'tanian."

"I'm hoping you can help me adjust the medication I devoloped to suite him, but my program isn't just about medication, it's an intensive treatment plan. That's why he needs to be at our facility. I will give you a detailed plan of actioin."

Tom walked back in, his eyes were red, and slightly puffy, Kathryn shifted slightly, she was hoping not to see him today, she found that she often imagined ways to get rid of him. She came up with "accidentily" pushing him out an airlock, strapping him to a photon torpedo, or possibly selling him on the black market. She liked that one the best, she could use a new hairpin.

Tom looked at her, god she was beautiful, god he wished he hadn't seen her today. He often imagined ways to not see her, possibly leave Voyager for a while. He could join a group of marauders, a traveling circus, or a music band that only played Beatles music, and lived the true life of sex, drugs (maybe not that one) and rock 'n' roll. He took a deep breath, he liked that one the best, he looked hot in leather pants.

"Can you tell me how long it has been since he's been responsive?" Dr. Marran asked as he ran a strange looking instrument over Harry's still body.

"He was responsive just a few moments ago." The Doctor said.

"Why did you sedate him?"

"He hasn't been sleeping, he needed to rest, and I didn't want him to become aggitated as I treated him." Dr. Marran nodded his head.

"When can we transport him?"

"Transport? He's not going anywhere." Tom said, he could feel himself getting aggitated. "Who the hell are you?"

"That's enough Lieutenant." Janeway said sternly.

"No, it's not. Harry stays here with people he knows." Tom started to shout.

"I agree with Mr. Paris, the best place for him is here, he may feel like we abandoned him. Especially since you are going to give me the treatment plan anyways. I am well versed in his medical history, human psyicology, and the treatment of his illness so far."

"I understand where you are coming from Doctor, but our facility is the only one of it's kind, we treat many different mental afflictions, from a vast number of alien species. However we specialize in the treatment of this particulare infection. It's more common then you think."

"What if Harry doesn't want to go? It's his life, he should be able to make his own decisions."

"Harry is far from mentally fit to make his own decisions. I'm making the decision for him, prep him for transport." Kathryn said; it amazed even her how cold she sounded. It was far from her intention, she was exhausted both mentally and psycically, and she found her emotions to be precarious at best.

"I don't recommend that captain." Dr. Marran spoke-up "Lieutenant...."

"Tom Paris, Harry's my best friend, and I'll be damned if I'm just going to abandon him at some instituion." Tom snapped.

"Lieutenant Paris is right, we shouldn't transport him down to our instituion, he should be made aware of our plans. That way he doesn't feel like you just dropped him off, we should reassure him that you will come back for him. Please, do wake him up, we'll discusse this with him."

The Doctor finished healing Harry's wounds, then injected him with a hypospray, within seconds Harry opened his eyes. Everyone stared at him for a moment, none of them knew how he would react, they all seemed to be on edge whenever Harry was involved.

Harry slowly sat-up, he felt tired, dizzy, disoriented, and completely out of control of his whole body. He knew something was wrong, they all looked at him like he had three heads, his eye twitched, he nervously tucked his hair behind his ear two times. He saw a Cor'tanian malewho made Harry very self-consious, he looked at the young man like he was the most disgusting thing he had ever set eyes on.

"Harry," Kathryn was the first to speak "This is Dr. Marran, he's a specialist."

Harry didn't respond, he moved back a little unaware of how far he was from the edge of the bio-bed.

"He's here to help you." She continued, the doctor just stood there, Harry didn't believe this man was a "specialist" he didn't believe he was there to help him; he wasn't entirely certain he was seeing, or hearing any of this, they might not be real, to Harry nothing was real.

Suddenly, without warning Dr. Marran's face started to change, his skin was pasty white, his eyes turned midnight black and they popped slightly out of their socket. A snake came out of his ear and slithered into his mouth, he ate it with his fang like teeth, and he smiled maliciously at Harry.

"_Come with me Harry, I'm make you all better." _He laughed mockingly at Harry. _"Don't worry about your hellucinations, they're the least of your worries."_ Harry turned to the captain who also changed, her eyes were glazed over, she was drooling, there was a 10 inch long surgical scar on her forehead.

"_It's alright Harry, the treatment will make you all better. Just like me." _The captain said as if she just had a lobotomy.

Harry's eye started to twitch uncontrollably, he pulled at his hair until chunks came out. He tried to stay calm, he just had to keep believing it wasn't real, he started to mutter to himself, still pulling at his hair.

"Mr. Kim, look at me." The Doctor gripped Harry's wrist, untangling his fingers from his hair. "Dr. Marran has a proven treatment."

"Tell, tell him, t-to....um, give you the treatment, tell him, I don't want him....near me." Harry tried his best not to look at the evil doctor. "Tell him to give you the treatment."

"He doesn't want to go." Tom felt as out of control as Harry did, his own treatment for depresion was going well, but Harry's declining mental state wasn't helping, he would take 1 step forward, 5 steps back.

"Where am I going?" Harry asked, but no one answered.

"This isn't up for discussion. Harry, we'll be at the institution within a few days, you are going." Kathryn put a hand on his shoulder, she rubbed it softly, Harry looked at her hand, it was boney, he could see her veins bulging through, her fingers grew into long pointy tenticules, they reached out to his neck, he pulled away.

"Captain, may I speak to you?" Dr. Marran walked to a safe distance from Harry, he didn't want him to hear what he had to say. Harry could see them all huddled together, Dr. Marran kept looking at him, why did he always look at him?

Harry pulled at his hair again, he saw a hypospray on the medical tray beside his bed, he was scared, he knew if he went with this "doctor" he would never get better. He grabbed the hypospray, and ran to the captain, wrapping his arm around her chest, pulling her towards him, he put the hypospray to her neck.

"Harry, you don't want to do this." Dr. Marran tried to reason.

"Shut-up! I don't like you!" He backed-up, quickly checking where he was going.

"Okay, Harry, we'll just talk." Tom reassured, he took a tentative step forward. Harry took two steps back.

"This is my medication....is-isn't it. I wonder what will happen if I gave it to her?"

"Hold on! No reason to do anything rash....anything you might regret." Tom could feel sweat forming on his brow, what if he couldn't talk Harry down, he would be partly responsible for what could happen to her. He always cared deeply for the captain, but after that night, he had a bond with her, she was now so much more then just his captain.

"This....medication sup-supose to keep me sane. She's sane, maybe if she had it she would be insane. Like me!" Tears started to fall down his face, Tom could see he was more desperate then anything else.

"You are my best friend, you always believed in me. You remember what you said to me in the mess hall, right after Cavit and Dr. Fitzgerald told you about me?"

"You better be going somewhere with this Lt." The Doctor muttered.

"I don't get it either, I'm insane, not stupid. You're trying to pull something." Kathryn could feel Harry's arms shacking against her chest, his grip was tight, she could feel the needle of the hypospray being pressed deeper into her skin.

Her eyes met with Tom's she pleaded with him, she felt so scared, usually she would be able to control her emotions, but these last few weeks have been an emotional hell for her. She would get angry at the drop of a hat, she would be laughing one second, and cry the next. One time she literally cried over spilled milk; what the hell was wrong with her?

"You said you didn't need anyone to pick your friends. You believed in me, you didn't even know me, and you already believed in me, more then anyone had ever. The point is, you always trusted me, trust me now." Tom took a deep breath, god he really hoped this would work.

"Dr. Marran won't hurt you, trust me, please.....give me the hypospray." Tom held out his hand, he didn't move, Harry's eyes were on his outstretched hand. It didn't shake, it was steady, nothing came out of it, Tom didn't turn into a monster, Dean didn't suddenly appear.

"Will you come with me?" Harry asked quietly.

"Yeah, I will. And I'll come visit you as much as I can." Tom took another step forward, Harry handed the hypospray to Tom.

Kathryn pulled away, she ran into the Doctor's office, she hated the idea of anyone seeing her as weak. Harry back the rest of the way to the wall, he fell to the ground, he openly weeped, he was so damn tired.

* * *

A few days later Harry and Tom arrived at the institution and were shown to Harry's room. A small 10x10 room that was empty save for a small bed, with a pillow and no sheets. They were both surprised to see how little was in there; how small the room was. Harry felt like the walls were caving in on him, they seemed to be coming alive.

A young woman came into the room, she had a syringe in her hand she smiled warmly at Harry.

"This is Damita, she will be your attendant." She then handed Dr. Marran the syringe, Harry knew it was for him, he shifted, there were no windows, the door was blocked, and he really didn't know how far he could get with the two guards just outside his room.

"Don't worry Harry, everything will be okay, this medication will help with your hellucinations." Dr. Marran injected the medication, he smiled, it made Harry uncomfortable.

"Mr. Paris, I think you should leave."

"I told Harry I would stay with him."

"I'm sorry, but the first 30 days must be done alone." He handed the syringe back to Damita, who disposed of it in what looked like a receptacal in the wall.

"You never mentioned this." Tom defended, he was starting to feel some of his friend's anxiety about this place.

"I informed your captain about the restrictions, if you have a problem with them I recommend taking it up with her. You'll have to leave now." He snapped impatiently, he turned his lip in disgust.

"Tom, you said you would stay with me." Harry pleaded "Don't leave me."

"Let's go Mr. Paris." Dr. Marran demanded, Tom turned around and left the room, followed by Dr. Marran and Damita.

"Don't leave me, you said you wouldn't leave me." Harry screamed, the door closed quickly behind them. Harry tried the door and found that it was locked. He started to bang on the door, screaming, however on the other side Tom couldn't hear anything, he turned around and walked away.

Harry eventually fell asleep, the next morning he woke to find he was in a 4 point restraint. He pulled at the straps, looking around he found Dr. Marran sitting in a chair at the end of his bed, and another Cor'tanian man.

"What's going on?" Harry asked frantically "Why am I strapped down? Who the hell are you?" He pulling more at the restraints.

"Who he is, is not important." Dr. Marran smirked.

"I'm hellucinating, I'm just going to close my eyes, and this will all be gone." Harry closed his eyes for a moment then opened them again to find everything was the same.

"The medication I gave you temporarily sedued your hellucinaitons. This is all very, very real." He smirked again, Harry came to the realization that the hellucination of Dr. Marran turning into a monster wasn't incorrect.

Harry pulled at his restraints, he screamed for help.

"Sound proof, no one can hear you Harry." The other man laughed, an attended moved a piece of machinary over Harry's head, and turned it on. A bright light shined brightly into his eyes.

"Let's begin."

* * *

The eight ball slid into the corner pocket, the white ball bounced against the side of the pool table. A smile would usually adorn Tom's handsome face after that amazing shot, but lately he had nothing really to smile about. He played three games of pool, the oppoinent, himself, it just wasn't the same without Harry. He guzzled the last of his drink as the door to the holodeck opened.

"How you doing?" Kathryn enquired, as Tom pulled the balls out, and placed them on top of the table.

"I'm just fine." He walked around her, took the triangle out of it's place and started to arrange the balls in order.

"I wanted to talk to you." She turned to face him, her stomach started to knot, this was going to be more difficult then she thought it would be.

"I don't think that's a good idea, remember what happened last time you came in here to...._talk to me._"

"That's why I'm here."

"I get it, you....." Tom lifted the triangle delicately, replaced the triangle into it's spot, picking-up the white ball he lined his shot.

"You made a mistake." He pulled the cue back and broke the rack, sinking two of the stripped balls. "Regret what we did. Your not the only one."

"I'm sorry."

"For what? Regretting what we did, your the captain and I'm the guy who got his ass kicked out of Starfleet and joined the Maqui. You have a reputation to protect."

"I'm sorry because obviously I hurt you when I just left." She started to feel dizzy, she caught herself on the side of the table.

"Kathryn, are you okay?" He tapped his comm badge.

"No, I'm fine. Just a little dizzy." She raised an eyebrow. "Kathryn?" She put a hand on her hip.

"I've seen you naked, I think I can call you Kathryn." He took another shot, sinking a solid colour.

"It's a real good thing I secured the door when I came in." She smirked.

"Can you do me a favour? Please, don't put your hand on your hip."

"Excuse me?" This wasn't exactly how she pictured this conversation would unfold, but with Tom things didn't usually go as planned. It was most likely why he was so impulsive, lived dangerously, and god he was hot playing pool.

"I have a feeling you were one of those girls growing-up, that every guy wanted to be with, and had no idea." Tom chuckled.

"I was too busy studying for Starfleet, and perfecting my backhand to notice guys, noticing me." They both laughed. Tom lined another shot, adjusting his position to best hit the stripped ball into the corner pocket.

"Tom, I'm pregnant." She announced as he took the shot, the cue went into the felt, tearing it."

"What?" He stood-up, his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

"I know, I was shocked when I found out too. How could you be so stupid?" She crossed her arms over her chest.

"Me? I didn't have sex by myself, I distinctly remember you partipating." He said defensively.

"I am more then willing to take responsibility for my part in this mess, but you have a girlfriend, don't you use protection?"

"Well....no! We, we were having trouble, we really weren't.....what are we going to do?"

"We? Who said anything about we?" Tom was stunned, he thought she would give him a chance, at the very least let him have some time to think things through before making her mind up for the both of them.

"Kathryn..."

"Don't Kathryn me, I am still your captain, regardless of what happened in our after hours. Keeping that in mind, I have a reputation to keep, if the crew knew I slept with you, I think they might loose faith in me all together, and there might be a mutiny."

"I'm being serious here." He snapped, he was seriously contemplating strangling her. He liked it so much more before they saw each other naked.

"So I am! I'm going to tell everyone it's Chakotay's, he's already agreed." She turned around and started for the exit.

"Good old Chakotay, the white knight to the rescue." He turned on his heels, her back still to him. "Tell me, does your white knight know you've been screwing around with the black knight behind his back. Maybe that's why he's agreed to take the fall." He bit his lip, and gripped the cue hard. Kathryn turned around, she tilted her head, she couldn't tell if he was being brave, or increadably stupid.

"He isn't 'taking the fall', he's being a good friend. And don't worry about anyone knowing that your are, unfortatunately, the sperm donor. You better watch your mouth, one more outburst like that and you'll be spending the rest of the trip home in the brig. Is that clear?" She used her authoritative captain's voice.

"Crystal." He answered between gritted teeth.

"Excuse me."

"Crystal clear, ma'am!"

"That's better." She turned around, then stopped herself, she looked like she wanted to say something more, she shook her head and walked away. He had to give her credit, she had a knack for leaving him in Sandrine's wanting more.

* * *

Hit the review button and let me know what you guys think of the ending:)


	5. Chapter 5

Here we are again!! I started this chap right after i got a nice little review :) but RL got in the way, and well it sucks and i write to forget RL!!! and viola!!

this one is a bit longer then the others, a lot more going on!! as well, there is some stuff in this chap that will be explained in the next. sooo, don't fret, your questions will be answered!!

love ya all!! R&R!! greatly appreciated, and enjoy!!:) ;)

Chapter 5--Suffocation

The bright light pierced through his closed lids, it was scorching hot, he could hear whispering, he tried to get-up but something kept him down. He was scared, the whispering got louder, but he still couldn't hear what they were saying. The light got brighter, he wanted to scream and found that nothing came out.

Harry opened his eyes and sat-up, covered in sweat he was panting. It was just a nightmare.

"Harry." He looked-up and saw Damita. "Another nightmare?"

"I'm fine." He whipped his brow, still breating heavily.

"You have a visitor."

"What?"

"A visitor. Actually you have two."

"Who?"

"Follow me and find out." She said smiling. He followed her out of his room, and down a hallway past the other patient's doors. Which were locked and with no windows, his stomach twisted, he tried to concentrate on whoever came to see him.

Damita opened the door to a small room, with a table, and two chairs. Harry stood there for a moment, Captain Janeway and the Doctor stood on the other side of the table.

"Hello Harry." Kathryn greeted him, she bit her lip as he just stared at her.

"Hello Captain." He sat opposite of her, his eye twitched slightly.

"Could we get some privacy?" She said to Damita, who nodded and left closing the door behind her. Kathryn sat down.

"How are you feeling?" She asked, her voice cracked betraying her worry for him.

"Fine. I'm feeling fine." He answered a little too quickly.

"You sure?" He gave her a strange look, he knew he wasn't a good liar.

"Of course......why?"

"Dr. Marran said we wouldn't have contact with you for 30 days, it's been 65. If that wasn't bad enough I haven't had any say in your treatment. I haven't been made apprised of any of the drug treatment they have been givng you, or your progress." The Doctor answered.

"65 days? It's only been 30, maybe your mistaken."

"We're not mistaken. Your sure your alright?" The captain hedged, she raised an eyebrow.

"Mr. Kim......"

"I'm sorry, I am so, so sorry." Harry interrupted the Doctor.

"About what?" Kathryn enquired quietly.

"Everything. I remember every irrationality, every outburst, the violence, what I did to you..." Harry couldn't finish his sentence, he was really disgusted by what he had done.

"It's alright." She reassured, she smiled at him, showing remourse was a good sign he was getting better.

"No! It's not okay." He raised his voice, he grabbed her hand and squeezed it tight. "I could have killed you. I could never live with myself, knowing I had hurt you, in anyway."

"You weren't responsible for what happened....."

"No, listen to me." Harry snapped, he looked her straight in the eyes, the intensity in them made her believe he was trying to say something to her. He then tapped the palm of her hand with his finger three time, three long sweeps, then three taps again.

"I need to take responsibility for what I did. Understand me?" Kathryn realized that the intensity in his eyes was fear.

"Yes! I understand." He let out a deep breath, she could see tears in his eyes.

"Good. I don't want any special treatment, sick or not, I should take full responsibility."

"Okay." His eye twitched again, his head started to hurt, he put his hand on his head and cringed.

"Are you alright?" The Doctor moved to Harry's left side. "They didn't allow me to bring in a tricorder, but I can still examine you."

"No." Harry snapped "I'm fine." He stood-up, his voice cracked "Sometimes, I-I get headaches. Not a big deal. I have to go." He quickly walked to the door, and banged on it. Damita opened the door.

"Harry wait..." Kathryn called out to him, but he quickly made his escape through the door, which locked behind him.

Harry hoped the captain got the message, that she didn't just dismiss it as one of his crazed hallucinations.

"Ready for some breakfast?" Damita said interrupting his thoughts. He nodded his head, she lead him down the hall where Dr. Marran was standing. He grabbed Harry by the arm, pushing him back to his room, he threw Harry onto the ground.

"What did you tell them?" He spat. Harry stood-up slowly.

"You saw and heard everything, you know I didn't tell them anything." He flexed his right arm, it was starting to feel numb.

"I heard you say nothing, I saw you tap her hand. Is that some kind of code? Were you trying to tell her about our plans?"

"No!" He snapped.

"So, I don't have to remind you what is at stake? The life of your son, your life, the lives of my people."

"You don't have to remind me." Harry whispered. "How did you find out about him?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, it does."

"Very well." Dr. Marran adjusted his uniform "My group..." Harry opened his mouth to say something "Again, I will not tell you who we are. We found it quit peculare that an alien species we knew very little about had one of our people, and he was dead. We dug him-up."

"You had no right to do that."

"Do not talk to me about what rights I do or do not have. He was one of my people, we have every right." Dr. Marran screamed.

"He's was my son, you have no rights when it comes to him." Harry grabbed Dr. Marran by the collar and threw him against the wall.

"So, now he's your son. When he was alive you treated him like garbage. Admitted it yourself." He pushed Harry away from him. Harry felt like someone had reached into his chest and ripped out his heart. He stumbled onto his bed.

"The way he looked, the fact that his DNA showed he was only half Cor'tan, and that you had been infected with Mez blood, it was obvious he was your son. Our DNA analysis confirmed it." He paused for a moment.

"What they did to him......" He trailed off, he knew from Harry's reaction he had hit a nerve, he tried to cover his smirk by putting his hand over his mouth. However, Harry never noticed, his mind started to wonder to that day, Dean strapped to a table, being ripped apart.

"You looked like you were in pain, are the implants hurting you again?" Harry nodded his head, Dr. Marran pulled out a strange looking instrument with two prongs at the end, and a long thin handle. He pressed a few buttons as he ran it up and down Harry's body.

He left the room, and came back in shortly after with a syringe. The pain quickly went away, it was replaced with exhaustion. Harry lied down and within minutes was fast asleep.

Dr. Marran watched him for a moment, things were working better then he could imagine, he delighted in the thought of his project coming to conclusion. The riches he would mass, it would only take another 3 surgeries, he smiled and left.

* * *

Captain Janeway walked swiftly into the conference room, the Doctor followed close behind. She sat down at her chair, the look on her face confirmed the other's fears.

"I guess things didn't go well." Tom spoke-up, feeling anxious. He couldn't tell anyone, but the depression was coming back. He felt if Harry came back he would be cured, maybe they could help each other. It was a stupid thought, he knew it, but something had to give, they, he, couldn't keep living like this.

"I don't know how to answer that." Kathryn admitted "He seemed better, he took responsibility for his actions."

"But!" Tom snapped.

"But, he still seemed agitated." She shook her head "I don't know what to believe. Maybe Dr. Marran kept us away for a good reason." She conceded, she unconciously put her hand on her stomach, it amazed her how much weight she had gained. She would have to confess her aweful secret soon.

"You don't actually believe that captain?" The Doctor spoke-up, Tom was amazed that he was on his side.

Kathryn stood-up and walked to the window, from her vantage point she could see the planet her young officer inhabited, or was confined in. The distance between Voyager and the planet was starting to make her space sick, she started to feel nauseous, the planet seemed to be moving she felt dizzy. She caught herself on the wall.

Tuvok was quickly by her side, Tom felt ill, Chakotay gave Tom a glare of death, and the Doctor tried to scan her, she waved him away.

"I'm fine, I think I'll sit." After she collected herself, she resumed the meeting. "To answer your question Doctor, I have no idea what to believe. For 5 months we saw him slowly loose his mind. He couldn't tell the difference between what was reality and what wasn't. There is no deffinitve proof that this isn't another one of his hallucinations."

"Captain, there was nothing peculiar about your visit?" Tuvok inquired.

"Everything was peculiar about our visit." The Doctor answered.

"There was one thing. He said he wanted to take full responsiblity for his actions."

"That's a good thing." Tom spoke out of term again.

"However, I had this feeling he was trying to tell me something. He tapped my hand like this." She imitated the tapping, stroking, and tapping that Harry did on her palm. "Then he asked me if I understood, I told him I did, but I have no idea what that means. If anything."

"That's an S.O.S."

"Tom's right. Human's use to us it before the invention of the radio. They used a sequence of long and short elements to repressent letters. That's deffenitely an S.O.S." Chakotay took his mind off of killing Tom just long enough to fill in the blanks.

"What's an S.O.S?"

Neelix, who had become uncharacteristically quiet, finally spoke-up. Like the other in the conference room, he had become consumed by what appeared to be a tango between certain officers. Tom stared strangely at the Captain; Chakotay stared strangely at the Captain in between wanting to kill Tom; the Doctor starred at everyone strangely; and the Captain, well she seemed to phase in and out of being sick, and trying to keep her first officer and helms man from killing each other. To top things off, Neelix, and it seemed he wasn't the only one, was completely out of the loop.

"Save our souls. He's calling for help." Tom answered, Neelix was still a little confussed as to why Harry was saying save our souls, but he decided it wasn't a pressing matter.

"Then...the answer is clear captain. We should get Harry back." Neelix paused "Shouldn't we?"

"I understand everyone's concern, I want him back too. But, we need to make sure we are making the right decision."

"Of course it's the right decision." Tom was loosing his grip on his emotions and he yelled at her, it wasn't just Harry's prediciment that had him on edge.

"One more outburst like that Mr. Paris and I will have you thrown into the brig so fast your head will be spinng for a week." She said sharply. Neelix and Seven gave each other quizzical stares, human sure had the strangest sayings.

"We need to make sure that we are making this decision because it's what's best for Harry, and not for us. Doctor, you and I will go back down to the surface, we'll talk to Dr. Marran, see if we could get you more involved in his treatment." The Doctor nodded his head.

"Tuvok, I want a full analysis of any security detail, weaponary, if someone so much as sneezes near Harry I want to know. If needs it be, the best way to get Harry out without endangering any other patients."

The rest of the meeting went smoothly, she dismissed her crew, who promptly left, all but Tuvok.

"Is there a problem?" She looked her old friend in the eyes, she knew why he chose to stay behind.

"I wish to discusse some issues that have come to my attention."

"Issues?" His eyebrows came together, even with his surpressed emotions, he knew this would be a difficult subject.

"Mr. Paris' irratational behaviour of lates."

"Isn't he always irratational." She joked.

"That is true, but it seems that it has become more frequent, and unfortately hostile." She nodded her head.

"I agree. The Doctor has informed me that he's diagnosted Tom with depression. In males it can translate in hotility even violence. I thought he was getting better, but he seems to be sliding again."

"Wouldn't it be prudent to temporarily relieve him of duty?"

"I'm hoping, and this maybe a little irratational, that once Harry comes back that it may help him in his recovery."

"Or it may hinder his recovery."

She stood-up, learning from her previous mistake, she leaned against the window with her back to the planet. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"If you would prefer, I could relieve him of his duty." She smiled.

"I appreciate that, but I don't need you to rescue me, I can handle it myself."

"I did not mean to imply that you were in need of rescuing."

"Don't be coy, you've been treating me differently for the past week. As if I am in need of rescuing." She shook her head, her eyes fell on her bulging belly, she really had gained a lot of weight. "You know." He stood-up and walked just a few feet away from her.

"I have noted several physicological changes that would only conclude that you are in the process of.....having a child." Tuvok wouldn't admit it to anyone, even if the captain asked him point blank, but at that moment he gulped, and even more so, he wouldn't admit he had a slight tinge of fear.

"Oh god! I've gotten fat haven't I?" This was a strange response, Tuvok raised an eyebrow.

"That's what gave it away, I've gotten fat."

Tuvok was in a precarious predictement. He truely didn't know how to proceed. He knew that it was often the case with human females, especially in the early months, were exceptionally emotional, often resulting in irrational and unpredictable responses and behaviour. The captain seemed to be on the brink of tears.

"No." He lied, it seemed like the logical response.

She wipped away at her eyes and smiled, she started to stretch her uniform over her ever enlarging belly in an effort to look more sliming.

"May I enquire as to who is the father?"

"The father is an idiot. Let's leave it at that." She sat down. Tuvok, at that moment made an oath to himself to never confront a human female who was pregnant. They were more irratational, illogical, and unpredicatable then usual.

"I don't know what to do Tuvok. I've become a prisioner of my hormones. I have never felt like this, never. I stand-up I get nauseous, or dizzy. I'm emotional, one moment I'm happy, the next sad, then I'm laughing and cry at the sametime. The worst part is.....how am I going to explain this to the crew?"

Tuvok sat beside her.

"They will understand that you are human, and that you as well have a need for compainionship."

"But, I'm their captain. I shouldn't be....consorting with the opposite sex, let alone getting pregnant."

"There have been other female captains who have become pregnant during their service."

"Yes, but they were all married, or in a relationship, what will they think of me? Will they still respect me?"

"I fail to see the coalition between the two issues. You have never shown yourself to be imcompetant, or shown a reason for them to no longer respect you as their captain."

She leaned back, she put her hand on her stomach again, she would have to inform the crew soon.

"I don't know Tuvok. It's illogical isn't it? But, it doesn't mean it's not true. Rumours most likely have started, if they haven't figured it out just yet, they will soon."

"It would be prudent to make an announcement soon." She started to tear-up, but nodded her head in agreement.

"I reassure you captain, you are not alone, I will stand by any decision you make. As well as any assistance in child rearing that you may need." She smiled.

"I hope it isn't presumptuous to say that the father has forfeited his parental rights."

"I forfeited them for him." They were quiet for a moment, Tuvok would only admit it to himself, that he was more curious then before about who was the father. "I don't need any help with the child, I can handle it myself. Thank-you anyways."

* * *

"Harry....Harry wake-up." Harry opened his eyes, it was still dark, his body still felt heavy from a lack of sleep. It was Damita, she stood over him with a smile.

"What is it? Something wrong?" He started to feel anxious, he sat-up.

"Nothings wrong." She whispered, quickly checking the door. "Come with me." Harry wanted to question her more, but with the door open a new sense of freedom washed over him. He took a deep breath and just went with it.

Harry followed Damita to the roof, the air was warm, sweet with the smell of some fruit, possibly a blossom. There was no lights, but the moon was full, giving the pair dim lighting. The little things that he always took for granted. Eventually he would have to go back in, but for now he simply closed his eyes as it started to rain.

"I'm soaked." He laughed.

"Do you want to go inside?" He shook his head, the past few months had been so difficult, this was the only time he felt happy. He breathed deeply, and let it out slowly.

"Open your eyes. Look what I got you." She held out a bottle of alcohol.

"Oh! I knew you wouldn't let me down." He said smiling, he took it and drank greedily from the lip. He waited all day for some alcohol, he had to go to this hell hole, the interrogation, the damn implants. He started to feel depressed again, he drank more from the bottle, he couldn't wait for the buzz to kick in.

Damita moved closer, he noticed how wet her clothes were, how they stuck to her body, her wet, long, black hair was matte against her face, and body. She glowed against the pale moonlight.

"You know what I've done my whole life?" He asked her, she looked at him quizzically.

"No, what?"

"I've done the right thing. I did everything my parents asked of me, I was good little boy, never dissobeyed them."

"Never?"

"Ever." He laughed and drank more. She starting supplying him with booze weeks ago, it was the only thing that kept him from killing himself.

"I got good grades, listened to everything. On Voyager......I did everything the Captain asked of me, just like with my parents. I never broke a rule. Never!"

"That sucks, because breaking rules is fun." She giggled, she played with her belt, teasing Harry with the potential that all her clothes might come off.

"Your a rule."

"I'm a rule?" She said astonished.

"I mean, we're not suppose to fuck you." He laughed, he could feel the alcohol taking effect.

"Really? Is that a written rule."

"No, it's a 'we're going to kick your ass if you even look at Damita' rule." She sat down on the ledge.

"So, I guess your not going to give it to me, because you don't break the rules." He quickly drank the rest of the bottle, threw it away, and walked-up to her, and kneeled down.

"I'm not the only one who's breaking the rules, I mean, your not allowed to fool around with the patients."

"Really? Well, I guess I'm a bad girl, your not the first. You going to spank me?" He grabbed her, kissed her passionately on the lips, and tore at her clothes. Her body took his breath away, she wanted to scream as they had sex, but knew if anyone found them naked on the rooftop, having sex, Harry would be dead.

Afterwards, Damita led a very drunk Harry back to his room. When they got there he wanted to take her inside, he didn't want the euphoria to stop, and he was so drunk at that moment nothing mattered.

"We can't.....shhhh!" She layed him down on his bed and kissed him deeply, his hands caressed her waist, down to her hip, and her thigh. "Harry......tomorrow." She smiled, their clothes still soaked, she left him in his dark, locked room. The euphoria was now gone, he was again a prisoner, he tried to hold onto the sense of her body, the smell of her perfume, the wet clothes and the hot bodies. He slept soundly.

* * *

The next morning Dr. Marran woke Harry up, who was still a bit drunk, but now had a very bad hangover.

"I'm not feeling well.....what is it?" He mumbled, he couldn't even sit-up.

"Why are your clothes wet?"

"What.....no.....my clothes are not.....wet." Harry fumbled through the sentence, but through the fog, he sensed he had gotten caught.

"You were on the roof, weren't you?" Harry sat-up, leaning against the wall.

"No."

"Damita, she likes going up to the rooftop." He paused, moving closer "You know she's my daughter. It wasn't a question, Dr. Marran knew Harry knew she was his daughter. "How dare you! Touch my daughter like that, you disgusting, piece of garbage. When we're done with you, I'm going to enjoy killing you. Nice and slow."

"And they say I'm crazy."

"Maybe I should put you in isolation. How you like that?" Dr. Marran smiled.

"How would your 'group' like that? You think they would like to know that you screwed-up your little project, because you couldn't keep a leash on your own daughter." Harry was starting to feel more lucid.

"Keep pushing your luck, your not as indespensable as you may think." He pressed a button on his his belt, two attendents came in. "Mr. Kim needs a lesson in how expendable he really is." Harry started to move back which made him feel nauseous.

One of the attendents grabbed Harry by the shirt and threw him onto the ground.

"Don't damage the implants, unlike you, they are invaluable."

"No, wait...." The two attendents started to kick and punch Harry, they didn't stop until he was unconciouse.

"Take him to isolation room 4." Dr. Marran ordered.

"Sir, isolation room 4's life support is malfunctioning." Dr. Marran smiled.

"As I said, 4." They relunctantly dragged Harry into the isolation rooms, shoving him inside, and secured the door.

* * *

oh yes!! that's all harry needed was a good ramp on the roof LOL!!! oh but he got himself in more trouble!!


	6. Chapter 6

Woohoo!! Chapter 6!!

I wrote this a while ago, nearly took me a week to write, but I never was satisfied with it!!! Yesterday, I re-wrote a lot of the chapter in two hours!! LOL!! it's amazing how silence is conducive to writing!!

a small note here, in the last chapter there was a line, where Dr. Marran says that the implants had to come out, I thought it over, and with the story I have planned, I have to change it to. his plan is working!! not the exact wording LOL!! but i am certain ya all get the drift!! ;)

talking about Dr. Marran, man I hate him!! ugh!! he's such an asshole, and yes he is my character, but wow!! i realized last chap how much I hate LOL!! so, hopefully soon he will find a very painful death!! Muhahahaha!!!

enjoy!!! :)

Chapter 6--Ch-ch-change

Harry was lying on a hard, cold table, strapped down, he could hear the instrument's high pitched drill, the smell of a new chip being sodered into his implant. Dr. Marran pressed hard, released his instrument slightly, a sweet second of relief, then more pressure, Harry was certain it was harder, more intense then the other, and the other, he knew it was diliberate. Dr. Marran's hand slipped slightly, Harry's head jerked, he didn't appologize, Harry could hear him snickering, his body shook slightly with glee.

Harry's body tingled, it vibrated with the device, even when they were removed, the smell, it was a disgusting, vile mixture of rotten eggs, melted metal, and burning flesh. He would feel it later, vomit for at least 20 minutes, the shakes, it felt like he was dying, relief in the form of a skeleton in a black robe and sicle would rescue him from his torture.

He could feel the tears coming, falling from his eyes, running the side of nose, eventually drying on his face, he hated crying, showing these two monsters the pain and suffering they were afflicting, it also confirmed how alone he was. The captain and Doctor were here just while ago, a day, or maybe it was 5, but they left, left him alone, no longer shedding any tears for him. He knew, they no longer shed tears for the once happy, entuciastic, young man. He was the only one shedding tears for him, he was weak, it was pathetic, he wondered if his parents stopped shedding tears for him.

"One more." Dr. Marran announced.

"Please stop." Harry begged through his tears.

"I can't, we're in too deep." Harry's arm jerked involuntarily.

"What was that?" A man who stood in the shadows of the room asked nervously.

"I hit something, don't worry about it." Harry could feel more pressure pressing hard against his head.

"I'm done, let's test him. Ask him something."

"Like what?"

"Anything. Something he wouldn't volunteer." The man stood a few feet away, he didn't want Harry to see his face, not just yet, not until he could be certain Harry would never turn on him. He thought for a short moment.

"Who was the first girl you kissed?"

"Go to hell." Harry said defiantly.

"Hell?" Dr. Marran couldn't see his associate, but he knew the man wasn't pleased.

"He says that a lot. I assume it's an awful place." He picked up a long, thin instrument with a point at the end. He touched the end to the implant. "Ask him again."

"Who was the first girl you kissed?" He asked again, he clenched his fist, his patience was waining.

"Kimberely Stewart."

"What colour was her hair?" He stepped forward, smiling, he finally had results to go back with, something he would want to go back and report. This project was loosing favour with his very affluent investors. He had to deal with their persistance of results, threatening him with removal of funds. If it didn't work this time, if the subject died; the project would be closed, his reprutation was at stake.

"Black."

"Do you want Dr. Marran to stop?" He tested.

"If he wants to." Harry's voice was monotoned as if he was hypomontized.

"Excellent!" He said enthusiastically.

"I'm going to remove my instrument, you may want to move back." The man nodded his head, and moved back. Dr. Marran removed his instrument. Harry blinked his eyes a few times, realizing what just happened.

"What the hell did you do to me?" Harry was frantic, he started to pull on his restraints.

"Stay calm, we must keep your blood pressure down. You could die."

"Death sounds better then this." Harry shouted.

"I wanted to talk to you about something." The man in the shadows said, ignoring Harry`s outburst. "I heard what you did."

"Who? Me?" Dr. Marran laughed. "What do you suspect I did?" He said nonchanlantly as he removed numberous instruments from Harry's exposed head.

"I know you had the attendents beat him." He paused, waiting for the "good" doctor to respond. "I also know you put him in an isolation room that wasn't working."

"I'm done, you shouldn't move for an hour."

"Where exactly are you expecting me to go?"

Harry pulled on the restraints, they stung against the bruises that littered his wrists and ankles. He screamed, he didn't know why, no one would hear him, no one that mattered could hear him. Yet, it was a release, he needed to scream, because it was the only thing he could do, it was the only thing they couldn't stop him from doing. They could sedate him, in the end he would wake-up again, and just scream more. That is until they finished turning him in their puppet, he didn't know their exact plans, some how, he knew they were prepping him to become an assassin. He was the perfect test subject, once a murder, always a murder.

"Doctor, you seem to be under the impression that you are irreplacable."

"These are my devices, I developed them, no one else knows how to install them but me."

"Install? I'm person, you don't install things into me." Harry yelled, pulling at the restraints on his arm and legs.

"Sedate him." The man in the shadows ordered.

"I can't! It would cause cardiac arrest after a procedure like this." He picked-up the same instrument from before, putting it against Harry's implants, Harry instantly stopped struggling.

The man in the shadows clenched his fists, Dr. Marran couldn`t see his face, but he knew the man was angry, he could hear the man breathing heavily, he could just imagine him contorting his face. Every breath, every exhalation, every flexed muscle, the vain in the man's neck that popped whenever he was angry. He knew what this man was capable of, the cruelity he showed Harry was nothing compared to what he may do to Dr. Marran if he failed.

"What did he do?" He spat.

"What?" Dr. Marran raised his head.

"What did the subject do?"

"Subject? Oh god!"

"Why did you order your attendents to beat him? Why did you almost ruin our plans?" Dr. Marran was silent for a while, he rubbed his forehead with his hand, he was surprised to find he was sweating.

"He slept with my daughter." The man laughed. "It's not funny. My daughter was pure before he put his filthy hands on her." Harry scoffed.

"Your daughter is anything but pure." Dr. Marran wasn't the only one capable of cruelty, it surprised Harry how little he cared about pain and suffering he caused. In the past, he would have never have said that, possibly he would never have slept with Damita, but something was missing in Harry, he could feel it, he just wasn't right anymore.

"If I was you Mr. Kim, I would be careful what I say." Dr. Marran seethed.

"If I was you doctor, I would be careful who I threaten. He's our first success, I'm not going to let you ruin years of hard work for your daughter's so called purity." Dr. Marran wanted to kill the man in the shadows, put him on his table of horrors.

"Besides, he's a young man, there is nothing wrong with...." He laughed again "him muddling around with your daughter's purity" He laughed again.

"Your captain has asked to see you." He continued "I suggest you convince her, by any means necessary, that you don't want to leave. I will be staying until you are done with the implantation. We don't want anymore misunderstandings. I'd hate to see you have.....an accident doctor." He said, then left the room.

Dr. Marran watched him leave, he was tired of this man always watching over his shoulder. Everything about him made Dr. Marran's skin crawl. His greasy hair, the incessant thin film of sweet, a strong, and rank smell of his body, mixed with his cheap cologne made for a putrid, vile smell. It made the old man want to vomit everytime he had the displeasure of being around the younger man.

Mostly, he knew what kind of man he was; years ago Dr. Marran was commissioned to develope the implant, one that could be embed into a Cor'tanian, however was versitile to be used in other species. The doctor knew it was cruel, he knew it would pain, he developed it to be such a way. Although, he had heard of experiments his associate had conducted to use the protein that Harry was infected with, to make soldiers callous, aggressive, murderous, stronger, faster, a super-soldier. What disturbed Dr. Marran even more, was that it was hailed as a success.

"Your lucky I gave you an anestetic." He said acrimonisly.

"Damita was great in bed, maybe I'll do her again." Harry laughed.

"You keep pushing, my hand may slip, and you won't be able to get it up.....ever!" He clenched his teeth, bringing the instument in his hand to Harry's abdomen, slowly moving it down, a thin, malicious smile creeped across his wrinkled face.

"I don't think so. Your friend might have a problem with it. I think your scared of him." Harry smiled.

"I suggest you don't sleep, you never know what might be missing when you wake-up."

* * *

Sitting in the meeting room, Kathryn began to tap her fingers angerly, she pressed her lips tightly against each other. She slammed her hand down onto the table, standing-up she began to pace. She couldn't take this waiting, this room, the air was stale, there was a strange smell, it reminded her of the time when she broke her arm, and she had to go to the hospital. She hated that hospital, she hated all hospitals, especially ones where the doctor came across shader then a Romulan.....no, cross that, a Cardassian. A Cardassian working for the Obsidian order.

"Captain, becoming aggitated isn't good for the baby." The Doctor reminded her, he hated to do it, she hated to hear it, but it had to be said, this child was one of the few good news in the last year, he wanted it to be as healthy as possible.

"It's been 3 hours, waiting in here is making me nervous. Not to mention that smell." She said as the door opened, Harry, Dr. Marran, and an attendent walked in.

"Harry, how are you?" She said keeping her emotions in check, she didn't want to come across as frantic, it was a fruitless attempt, none the less, she smiled as if nothing was wrong.

Harry looked at Dr. Marran, who was right behind him, as much as he enjoyed taunghting the old man, he scared Harry. The man was never short of creativity when it came to torture.

"I'm fine." He put his hand to his head, it was still throbbing, Dr. Marran pulled his hand away.

"Harry, remember how we talked about not pulling your hair." He put his hand down, he really just wanted to punch the son of a bitch.

"How are you....captain?" He struggled through the sentence, his eye twitched, his head throbbed, he could still feel the instruments pressing against his exposed head, the drill vibrating, the smells, the metallic taste in his mouth, he felt ill.

The captain and the Doctor exchanged looks, they could see he was struggling, he was in obvious pain. She truely didn't know if taking him out was a good idea. It was possible he still wasn't well enough to come home.

"I'm good. How are you feeling?" Dr. Marran moved to the other side of the room, she noted that Harry was watching him intently, that look of desperation and fear was still very evident in Harry's eyes.

Harry smirked as the attendant moved closer, he knew all of the male attendents carried a small weapon. He elbowed the attendent in the stomach, then grabbed his arm, twisting it behind his back forcing him to the ground. Then he slammed the man's head into the floor twice. Quickly, he grabbed the weapon and pointed it at Dr. Marran.

"Harry, what are you doing?" Dr. Marran questioned nervously.

"Shut-up." Harry ordered, although he had just assaulted an attendent and was pointed a weapon at his doctor, he seemed as if he was clear headed, calmer. Kathryn wasn't certain what was more frightening, when he was out of his mind, or when he was in control of it.

"Lean against the wall, with your hands behind you." The doctor did as he was told. "Now, sit on your hands. Don't! Try anything." He turned to the captain. "Join him!" The phaser was now point at her, she couldn't take anymore risks, she no longer had herself to think about, she had an innocent, helpless child.

"Alright. I don't want to fight with you, just stay calm."

"I am calm." She sat down beside Dr. Marran, mimicking his posture.

"What are you doing?" The Doctor questioned, he was sure that the younge man was getting better.

"I have something to show you."

Harry felt like he was ready to breakdown, he couldn't take it anymore, he just wanted to go home, to his quarters, to lie down on his bed, under his covers, close his eyes, and just forget that anything bad had happened. He could go back to being Ensign Eager, he hated that nickname, at this moment, he would do anything to go back to being that person once again. He would sell his soul to the devil if he had to.

With his left hand he swept away the long hair that covered the implant, the Doctor moved to the his left to get a better look.

"Oh my god!" The Doctor exclaimed, although he had no belief system, it seemed as though they were the only words that were suited for what his eyes were seeing.

"What is it?" Kathryn felt sick, now she had confirmation she made the wrong decision even before knowing what it was the Doctor was looking at.

"I don't know. It's.....some kind of implant." The Doctor didn't breath, but he felt breathless, if he could, he would cry, he had a strange sensation, a feeling inside of him, he had never felt before. He couldn't describe it, he had never felt this before. He pressed his fingers gingerly against the implant, he knew of no other species that could cause such a thing other then the borg.

"That son of a bitch put it in my head." Dr. Marran laughed, Harry kicked him in the face.

"I'm leaving." Harry grabbed the device on Dr. Marran's belt, and opened the door.

"Do you think he will let you go?" Dr. Marran called out as they were halfway out the door. He smirked when they stopped, despite being a psychologist, he loved to afflict emotional pain, especially on Harry.

"Years of hard work, failure after failure, our first success and you think he will just let you walk out the door." Harry was motionless, he could feel small tremors in his arm, the urge to loose control, it hurt like his blood was on fire, his muscles itched like he needed a drink, he put his hand against the door frame, he thought he was going to collapse onto the floor.

"I don't know who your talking about, but get one thing straight, no one is going to harm Harry. Tell your associate if he comes after Harry, it will be a mistake he'll quickly regret." The captain threatened.

"You don't know my associate captain, it will be a mistake you will regret, how many lives are you willing to risk for one person?"

"Every member of my crew is valuable, we don't leave our people behind."

Dr. Marran shook his head "You think I haven't noticed captain. Tsk, tsk." His eyes traveled downwards, and stopped at her stomach, she put a protective hand on her stomach, he was merely speculating, but her inherent response confirmed it.

"No captain, he's not worth it." He said in appeasing, soothing voice, it made her sick.

"What's he talking about?" Harry turned to him, he realized Dr. Marran was threatening her. "Are you threatening her?" His breathing still coming in sharply.

"I'm not threatening her, I swear, I would never threaten a pregnant woman." At that moment any resolve Harry may have had was lost, he moved towards Dr. Marran, only to be stopped by the Doctor.

"He's not worth it Mr. Kim, he's baiting you." He could feel Harry's breathing in between his arms, his pulsating heart beat, mostly, that strange feeling inside of him was back, he hated it, he didn't understand it, he must be malfunctioning. How was the Doctor suppose to help Harry, if he was malfunctioning? Possibly it would explain why he couldn't help him in the first place.

"Calm down, enger." He swore in his language, then spat on the ground. "I wouldn't threaten a pregnant woman, as I said. However, I think it woud be prudent to tell you he's no longer one of your people," A wide grin spread across his face "He's property." Harry stopped struggling, he had been called a lot of things by the old fucker, but he knew, the doctor was telling him something important, this wasn't just an insult.

"I'm nobody's property." Harry spat.

"Those implants in your head, in your arm, they are property of our group, legally speaking anything, or _anyone _attached to them is considered to beproperty as well!" He laughed, it felt good to finally speak those words, his heart beat face with excitement and exilleration. He never felt so alive as when he was afflicting emotional suffering, people rarely left his institution, and if they did, they never lasted long.

"Don't listen to him Harry." The Doctor encouraged.

"Don't listen to me Harry, leave, get strong, healthy, we'll need our little experiment to be as well as possible. I do, however, have some kindness. His name is Krennan, he'll never let your go."

"Let go of me." At first the Doctor hesitated, then he let go of Harry, who simply turned around and left.

* * *

B'Elanna walked into the sickbay, she had another argument with Tom, this time was about his lack of effort, his lack of care, the smell that started to seep through his quarters out to the corridors. There had been complaints, the captain requested B'Elanna talk to Tom, she didn't know what she would say, how she would phrase what she needed to say, how she really was feeling.

She had enough, in a short span of 7 months she lost both her best friends. Months ago she would walk into Harry's quarters and find him starring into nothing, or drinking himself into unconsciousness, then taken to an institution. Then it was Tom's turn, his breakdown was even more puzzling, she attributed his strange behaviour to Harry's breakdown, something inside of her told her it was so much more. She truely felt as if she failed them both.

She found the Doctor standing at a bio-bed, his back to her, she waited for him to acknowledge her. She cleared her throat, he didn't respond, she waited a moment, maybe it just would take one moment longer.

"Doctor...." Still no response, "Doctor......" She raised her voice slightly, she became aggitated, she had much better things to do, like distract herself from her failing relationship. She tapped him on his shoulder.

"Oh.....oh, Lt. Torres...I....I didn't hear you." He said, he seemed distracted.

"How could not?"

"Something is wrong with me." He said, it seemed so random, she had seen him yesterday, performing a full diagnosis of all his systems. Voyager was doing well with the repairs, one of the few things that wasn't effected as badly was the Doctor's program.

"There is nothing wrong with you. I did a full....." She began, in her matter of fact tone, hiding her fear of what maybe wrong with the Doctor.

"No, something, something is definitely wrong with me." He was at a loss, he didn't understand what he had felt earlier, a malfunction was the only way to explain it.

"Okay. Why don't you tell me why you think something is wrong with you, and we'll go from there." She gave him a strange look.

"I...." He trailed off, how could he discribe something he didn't even understand. "I don't know." She exhaled, she was becoming impatient.

"I can't help you if you don't tell me what is wrong." She crossed her arms around her chest, the look on her face told the Doctor to start spilling or he may find he's missing something by tomorrow.

"Why.......why couldn't I heal Mr. Kim? I don't understand it."

"I don't know." She became empathetic to the Doctor, she realized he had a problem most likely she couldn't solve for him.

"I have the knowledge of 100's of doctors, I've developed new medications, brilliant surgical technics, I have healed countless injuries, diseases, genetic mal....."

"I get." She snapped.

"Why couldn't I help him, I have the tools, the knowledge, the technics, I just don't understand it. There must be a malfunction."

"No, there isn't. Just because you couldn't heal him, doesn't mean your malfunctioning."

"So, why did Dr. Marran develope a treatment?" She raised an eyebrow, the question wasn't absurd, but who he was asking, it made her think something really was wrong with his program.

"I'm an engineer, not a doctor."

"He's an awful doctor. The Hippocratic Oath....just right out the perverbal window. He's cruel!" The Doctor started to scream, he threw his medical tray onto the floor.

"Calm down Doctor." She could feel a knot in her stomach, her first instinct was to call for security, but something inside of her told her she had to handle this on her own. She had to help the Doctor.

"I need to be decompiled, deconstruct my program, get rid of all the useless programing. Start all over, I am not fit to be Harry's, or anyone else's doctor." He stood-up straight, silently waiting for B'Elanna to give the order to shutdown him program.

"What are you waiting for?" He asked irritated.

"Your not responsible."

"Of course I am. I'm him doctor, I should have......"

"It's not your fault." She reassured, she put her hand on his shoulder.

"Yes I am." He shouted.

"No, your not."

"I feel......I feel......something is wrong. I feel something.....I don't understand. I don't want to fail anyone else." The awful, strange, unknown feeling was back, he didn't understand it, he must be malfunctioning.

"I'm malfunctioning." He sounded so desperate, she put another hand on his other shoulder.

"No, your not. Your not the only one who failed. But, Harry is still alive.....right?" She tested, she got a pit in her stomach.

"He insisted on going to his quarters, I didn't even get to scan him. He knows......he knows I'm a failure."

"As long as he's still alive, you can still help him. Your not malfunctioning, it's part of being human. The really shity part of being human." She smirked, he cracked a small smile.

"The really, really shity part of being human." They both laughed.

"I never thought I would see the day you would be swearing."

"It seemed to fit."

"Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"To Sandrines, I think you might want some company." He nodded his head, and transfered his program to Holoroom 2. He didn't play any games, or participate in any conversation, but the company of his fellow crewmates did lift his spirits slightly.

* * *

Tom laid on his couch, starring at the ceiling he imagined a young girl playing in a field. She had long wavy blonde hair, it bounced up and down as she skipped through the tall grass, it shimmered in the sunlight. She giggled as she ran to Tom, he smiled, her beautiful blue eyes glimmered in the sunlight.

He sat-up, this was the third time this week he found himself imaging a child. Kathryn's child.....his child. He noticed Kathryn was getting bigger, he casually inquired with the Doctor about her progress, which in turn the Doctor gave Tom an eyeroll, and a sarcastic remark about the captain lower her standards.

Tom tried to ignore him, but he couldn't help but take it to heart. It seemed like everything made him uneasy. He soon found himself wondering the halls, eventually making his way to the mess hall. He didn't know why, or how he got there, he must have been deep in thought.

He sat down, quickly becoming anxious again, he didn't know what to do with himself, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat, he definitley couldn't go and see B'elanna, even more so, he couldn't go and see Kathryn. The woman he truely wanted to see. Soon, he found himself wondering the halls again, he was like a lost dog unable to go home, he found himself in a perpetual wonder, he didn't know where he was going, when he would stop, an endless journey of endless cordedoors, thoughts, and what ifs.

Soon, he found himself standing in front of Kathryn's door, again he wasn't certain how he got here, it often seemed like he was no longer in control of his life. He was a mere observer as others made decisions for him, like being relieved of duty. Although he was some what at ease that he didn't have to get out of bed, make himself presentable to his fellow crewmates, or act like he wasn't two seconds away from a complete breakdown. Mostly he felt like a failure, the captain telling him he wasn't fit for duty, he imagined his father had taken her place, talking down at him, telling him once again he wasn't good enough.

"Tom.......are you just going to stare at me?" Kathryn said annoyed, it was nearly 0200 hours, and pregnancy was taking a lot of her.

"Sorry.....what?"

"It's almost 2 in the morning, why are you here?" She rubbed a hand over her face, she could hardly keep her eyes open.

"I wanted to talk to you." He let himself in, she let-out an exasperated breath, but she turned around and sat down anyways.

"You can't do this."

"What?"

"Order me out of my own child's life. Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Right now, I think I'm your captain."

"Don't pull rank on me. It's not fair." He yelled, pacing back and forth, he could feel the tears in his eyes, he turned his back, it was easier that way, he didn't have to show her the emotions he was drowning in, it embarrassed him, especially in front of her.

"You can't order me to not love this child." He turned around. "You can't just snap your fingers, and Chakotay is the father. This is my child, this baby is going to come out with my eyes, or my lips....or my piloting skills."

"I didn't know piloting skills were genetic." She crossed her arms around her chest.

"Whatever, the point is you can't just pull rank and it has brown eyes, or native features. It's foolish, and childish."

She stood-up, she didn't like being called foolish or childish, especially in the same sentence. The look she gave him, he knew he crossed a line, but he stood his ground. If she knew he was gaving in, even just a little, he may loose his chance to be a father.

"I don't like being called childish, or foolish." She seethed.

"I don't like being bullied into giving up my rights."

"Is that what you think I'm doing?" She was shocked by his actusations, she knew this was the right decision. His hair had become longer, unrully, he now had a three day old shadow, and by the smell he was giving off, he hadn't showered in a few days. How could she expose a baby to Tom's depression.

"That's exactly what your doing." He shot back.

"Have you looked int he mirror lately?" She kept her cool, the epitome of grace under pressure, she could have snapped at any moment, she couldn't afford it, the crew, she, had lost too much, and she would be damned if they would loose their captain as well.

They silently stood there, he watched her intently, he knew she was right, but she knew he was as well. Then she reached out for his hand and placed it on her stomach.

Tom moved his hand up and down her slightly enlarged belly, tears streamed down his face, she wipped them away.

"It's getting big." He felt the tears streaming down his face, it was strange to love someone so much without meeting them, at that moment he knew he would give anything for that child, he would die for that child.

"I'm never giving this baby up..." He paused the words caught in his throat, he thought of what he would tell B'ellanna, he couldn't give this baby up, but she would never except this situation. "What are we going to tell B'ellanna?" They stood there, the moment of euphoria now gone, neither one of them wanted to hurt her, keeping this silent any longer would do more harm then good.

* * *

I like to think this ended with somewhat of a happy note!! :) R&R!! greatly appreciated!!


	7. Chapter 7

Alright, chapter 7!!

Sorry this took so long, I wrote this a while back, I was hoping to get this done before I moved, but unfortunately I got stuck on something, then I moved. It has been a bit chaotic trying to get use to a new city.

Although I do have good news, baby!Janeway!Paris is born in this chap!! Yea!!

So, read, enjoy, review :)

**Chapter 7--The long kiss goodbye.**

Harry sat in his quarters, starring at a padd B'ellan gave to him earlier. The wording was in white, some in red, she told him the white was his writting, and red were her's. He pushed the button reading the content of the next page, it was mostly red. He put it down, there were several padd's on his table. The padd he had just read was a skematics for the warp core.

The other padds were letters, mostly from his parents, his uncle, cousin, a friend, and Libby. He picked-up his cup, orange juice and vodka, he guzzled it, slamming the cup down, he whipped his mouth. His hands shook a little, he tried to settle them.

He hadn't had a drink in weeks, although he had been back for 5 months now, admitting he was an alcoholic,it was a hard pill to swallow. He hit rock bottom when he made a mistake while on duty, a crewmember was injured, not seriously, but Harry was drunk, and he knew at that moment he had a problem.

Why was he drinking now? He didn't know, he just hated being without it, it was a part of him, an extention, a close personal friend, he wasn't complete without it. He couldn't be himself without just a little bit of alcohol in his system.

It was why B'elanna came by, she had suspected he was back on the sauce, she wanted to remind him of how far he had come. He picked-up the letter his parents sent him. The usual letter, how was he doing? There was at least 5 lines of inquiry of his wellbeing, they rarely spoke of their own lives, what was going on back on Earth, it seemed as if they had become obsessed with his condition. He felt suffocated by their overbearing concern.

He stood-up and replicated another orange juice and vodka, he drank from it and sat down. He wasn't drunk, not yet, he sure was working hard at it. He threw the padd at the table, and drank the rest. The door chimed, he paniced a little, quickly put the cup back into the replicator, pressing a few buttons the cup dissapeared. The door chimed again.

"I'll be right there." He called out as he walked into his room, he put a candy into his mouth, hoping it would be enough to mask the smell.

"Come in." Tom walked in, he had a tricorder and a small case, one in each hand.

"Hey." Tom greeted him, Harry merely smiled. "How's things going?"

"Fine." He took a beat "You?"

"I'm good. It's time for your medication."

"Now? I'm not due till 1200 hours."

"It is 1200 hours." He watched Harry for a moment. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah." He sat back down onto the couch. "I just lost track of time, reading some letters, and um....some thing B'elanna gave me." Tom sat beside him.

"B'elanna gave you some thing?"

"I wrote this....while I was crazy."

"Harry."

"What....? You prefer psychotic?"

"I prefer to say you were sick, and you were."

That word, sick, was used often, Harry wasn't sure how he felt about that word. It was true, he was sick, however, it seemed as if the word was used too often, as if people were tiptoeing around the issue. As if saying the word crazy was taboo, as if it was dirty. He hated being here, everyone looked at him differentily, everyone treated him differentily. He told himself it would get better after he proved himself, proved to the crew he was better, he was the Harry of the old.

Truth be told, he wasn't that person anymore, too much had happened, too much had changed. He didn't know who he was, he often looked himself in the mirror and saw a perfect stranger starred back. Harry thought it would change once he got his uniform back on, he lied to himself, and said he was the same person, but the lie soon faded, and he knew, he wasn't the Harry of the old.

"Can you just give me my medication?" Tom nodded.

"I got some good news. This is your last dose, your medication free after this." Tom smiled, this was good news, Harry had been on medication for almost a year now, maybe things would go back to normal.

"That is good news." His lip twitched slightly, he was smiling, he quickly covered it up.

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"You smiled." Tom's smiled widened.

"No I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"No."

"Yes."

"Tom, grow-up." Tom chuckled.

"I wanted to ask you something?" He injected Harry with the hypospray. "I was wondering if you wanted to be the baby's godfather."

"Are you insane? No."

"Harry..."

"No. That poor baby almost died because of me."

"You didn't know."

"That's not an excuse, and neither is being sick"

"Harry, your my best friend."

"And as your best friend the answer is a resounding, and unequivocal No!"

"Alright. Man. Your a real bitch today." Tom quipped.

"Did you just call me a bitch?" Harry couldn't believe Tom called him a bitch. Why did he let him in?

"Yes, yes I did." Harry burst out laughing, Tom joined him.

"It wasn't that funny." Tom couldn't believe the response he was getting from Harry.

"It wasn't funny at all." Harry managed through his laughter. "I haven't laughed in a year." He said when he was done, whipping the tears away. "Oh my god....I haven't laughed in a year."

"That's because you've been a bitch the past year."

"Shut-up." Harry pushed Tom, then they both started to laugh again. It had been a while since they had a moment where they could just be guys, just be friends.

"I'm proud of you." Tom had wanted to say this to Harry for a while, he was happy he said it, he meant it.

"For what?"

"For getting out of this. It's been really, really hard for you....and um, I'm proud of you."

"Thank-you." He whispered, he didn't have the heart to tell Tom he had been drinking again. Truth be told, he wasn't ready to tell Tom. He wasn't ready to give-up the drink just yet.

Tom took a deep breath, it was an awkward moment.

"Tomorrow's your review, nervous?"

"No. I know exactly what I'm going to say, I think it's going to go well." He seemed so sure of himself, confident. That was another side of Harry that Tom hadn't seen in a while.

* * *

Kathryn sat in her chair in the conference room, Harry was the first to come to the meeting. Then Chakotay, the Doctor, and Tom. She had spent the better half of last night reading reports from various crewmembers as to why the young ensign shouldn't be re-instated, she was not surprised that a great deal of her crew didn't want Harry back just yet. Although, she was surprised that there was an even larger group that didn't want him back at all.

Her hand rested on top of her enlarged stomach, she wasn't due for another 2 ½ weeks. Chakotay had been insisting for weeks that she take her leave, but she just couldn't part just yet. There was too much to do, a laundry list of repairs, bartering with other alien races, and crew needs, both professionally, and personally.

She felt guilty, as if she was abandoning her crew, as if she was letting them down again. She let out a shout, the four gentlemen in the room stood-up, she waved them aside.

"Just a kick." She rubbed her stomach again, soothing her baby "A really hard kick to the kidney." She managed a weak smile.

"Doctor, do you want to start?" She adjusted herself in her seat.

"Actually, I want to start." Harry interrupted. She nodded her head. "I...I've decided not to come back to my duties."

"What? Harry..." Tom started.

"Tom." He waited until his friend leaned back into his chair, then continued.

"I had a psychotic break, and it's not my fault, and some of my actions were not my fault. Dispite that, I have taken full responsibility for my actions. All of them."

"We know you do." Kathryn reassured.

"I'm not sure about that. In fact, I think most of the crew thinks I'm trying to milk this. Like I think I deserve special treatment when I don't. Worse of all my mental health issues, all of them, every soride detail, everyone knows, everyone talks about it like it happened yesterday. I'm so tired of the way people look at me, the way they treat me."

"It's going to take time, and you have to earn that trust. You haven't done much to earn the crew's trust." Chakotay said, No one was surprised by his unforgiving tone, he was one of the most vocal of the Anti-Kim brigade; as Harry had dubbed them.

"Well, from an asshole like you, I'm not surprise to hear that." Harry snapped back, Tom snickered under his breath.

"Harry." She snapped, another really sharp kick, her back was really hurting her today.

"I'm sorry. I just....this is exactly what I am talking about. Chakotay says I haven't been trying, but I have, and it's hard. Not only did I have to deal with mental illness, but I have to deal with being an addict, I have deal with the starres, the whispers, the hushed conversations. I lost my posting, and worst of all people treat me like I'm a first year cadet with no technical knowledge."

"We just want to make sure things go smoothly, wouldn't want any more _accidents._" Chakotay shot back, he was literally bitting his tongue.

"How many times do I have to apologize? How long until people treat me like an officer, like a friend? Truthfully, it's never going to get better, it will never go back to the way it was before."

"Then what is your suggestion?" Kathryn gentley probbed, she shifted again.

Harry took a moment, he had been thinking about that question, and his response, for a while. He knew his decision was the best one.

"I'm going to leave." He advoided looking at Tom, already knowing his reaction. He simply stood-up, turning towards the view screen, he pressed a few buttons.

"There's a space station here." He pointed towards a blip on a space chart. "It's got a shipyard there, lots of work, the type of work I'd be good at." The room was surprisingly quiet, he expected an array of nay sayers, and yet they merely just sat there.

"I'm going to take Dean's ship.....it's, um, still in dock, I know you can't spare any shuttles." He spoke softly, although he knew this was the best decision, he really thought there would be more opposition, maybe they will be more then happy to be rid of him.

"You still have those implants, Dr. Marran and his associate is still after you." The Doctor said, he was unable to remove them, they had an elaborate back-up system that would deliver a poison the moment they were removed.

"I can take care of myself. Besides, there might be a doctor out there who might be able to take them out."

"What will we tell your parents?" She was saden by this news, although not entirely surprised.

"Don't worry about them, I'm going to send them a letter." There were no other voices, not even Chakotay.

"Besides, I will be back."

Harry simply left the conference room, and went back to his quarters, his bags already packed. He wasted no time leaving, he packed light, a few pieces of clothing, toiletries, pictures, a trinked or two, he left the rest behind.

Leaving a sense that he would be back, he would be good as new. However, he knew he wasn't coming back.....he wanted to say home, it wasn't home. Earth wasn't even home to him anymore, he didn't know where it was, or how he would get there, but eventually he would find somewhere to call home, people to call friend.

"Your not coming back." Tom's voice broke his reverence.

"What?" Harry turned, still a little lost in thought.

"I said your not coming back."

"Why would you say that?" Tom was leaning against the frame of the door, his arms crossed, he starred at Harry, he didn't want to forget his best friend, he didn't want to let him go, but he knew he had to.

"I can't say I'm surprised." He continued, ignoring the question. Harry felt a knot in his stomach, in many ways he didn't want to leave, he mulled over the idea of staying, but deep down he knew he couldn't stay.

"I expect it." Tom waited for a response from Harry, he could tell the young man felt guilty about not telling him.

"Don't..." This was it, the last few moments before Harry would leave, and it was for good this time.

They would no longer have adventures, Harry would no longer be Tom's sidekick, his partner in crime. Tom allowed himself to cry, he didn't want to leave anything unsaid.

"Don't feel guilty, I wan t you to go."

"What?" Tom was his best friend, his last defender. He must have really screwed things up.

"I want you to go and figure out...whatever it is you need to figure out. Take care of yourself, and if you ever want to come home."

Harry stood-up and hugged Tom.

"I'll be back." He whispered.

"Your a terrible liar." They both laughed.

"But your always welcome to."

They sat there for an hour in Dean's ship, it was a lot harder to say goodbye then either of them thought it would be.

Eventually Harry set a course, they made a pact that if Harry was in troucble, or needed a place to stay, he would come back to Voyager.

"No questions asked?" He asked humourisly with a wide grin.

"Well, I can't speak for Chakotay, he may want a detailed report. No spelling mistakes."

Tom watched as the ship left Voyager, and set off to the space station Harry had mentioned. Tom wasn't sure if that was where Harry was going, anything could happen, he just hoped he would see his friend again, alive and well.

* * *

3 week later Kathryn impatiently paced the infirmary. She was tired, her hands and feet were swollen, and her nerves were getting the best of her. She wanted this baby out of her, it was already a week and a half late. She rolled her eyes, and shook her head, just like it's father, not one for punctuality.

"Please state...."

"I want this thing out of me, now!" She demanded.

"The baby will be born when it's ready." The Doctor said, his patience was also waning, she came everyday for the last week.

"I'm sorry, I think we've missunderstood each other. That was an order."

"If I'm not mistaken, your on maternity leave, you can't give me orders."

"Then I'm back on duty, induce me now!"

"If the child isn't born in another week, I will, it is normal for a baby to be born a week or two late."

"Normal? My hands and feet are swollen like a blow fish, my back hurts, and the baby been keeping me up all night for the last month. I just want to get some sleep." She put a hand over her face, she was starting to feel the stress of being in her quarters all the time.

"You think it's bad now, wait until it's born, then it will really keep you up." The Doctor remarked.

"I waddle."

"Excuse me?" The Doctor raised an eyebrow.

"I don't walk, my belly is so large I don't walk, I waddle."

"Well, I have to say, I'm speachless." The Doctor could see she was becoming stressed, knowing it was bad for the her and the baby, he nodded his head.

"If that is what you want, I can induce you."

She let out a sigh of relief, and waddled over to the bio-bed, and lied down. She went back to her quarters, to try and relax, she put her hand over her stomach and sang it a lullabye her mother use to sing to her. Baby's bed's a silver moon. She lied down, and closed her eyes, soon her baby would be in her arms, soon she would know if it was a boy or a girl, soon it would have a name, and soon the crib would no longer be empty.

This soothed her, she could feel some of the stress lifting. An hour later she was up, and cleaning her quarters, the Doctor told her it was normal, something called nesting, she thought he was insane, but here she was cleaning every nook and crany of her quarters. She set some books on a dresser she aquired from a merchant.

Tom replicated some toys, one of them was a stuffed version of the Delta Flyer. She grinned as her first contraction came. She knew it was a contraction, she had three false labours. Breathing through the pain, moments later she continued with the preparations for her baby.

10 hours later she was in the infirmary, pushing that very late, and stubborn, baby out. Maybe she should have had a baby with Chakotay, at least the traits it would have gotten from his father wouldn't have been poor punctuality, and stubborness. She most likely wouldn't have even felt a thing.

She let out a scream with the last push, she could hear a cry, a small, screaming, slimmy, pink baby lied at the other end. The Doctor whipped the baby clean, she heard him say something about cutting the umbilical cord.

She was so memorized by this small,screaming, slimmy, pink creature she didn't hear anything anyone said to her. It was love at first sight, she cried, she wanted to meet this person for so long, and now, she held it in her arms.

"He's beautiful." Tom said.

"He's perfect." Kathryn said, the only thing she could say, there were no other words to discribe him, he was everything she imagined, he was her son.

An hour later he had a bath, a diaper on, and some clothing she brought with her. The Doctor informed them he was a healthy 5.44kg (12 lbs) the baby cried when the Doctor told them he wasn't the biggest human baby to be born.

"So, what are we going to call him?" Tom had been pushing for Tom junior, which she flat out rejected without even thinking about it.

"Not Tom junior." He lowered his head in defeat, he wasn't going to win that one.

"I was thinking William." She said, he had his hand wrapped around her pinky. She smiled, yes, she was indeed in love.


	8. Chapter 8

I have decided to write this quick note after some consideration, and when I say some consideration, I don't mean the last few months LOL! So sorry about that. However, I do mean the last few days. I have written the final chapter of this story, about 3 or 4 pages, I was very pleased with what I had written, and had got to the point where Harry was to met Dean(as a baby) for the first time. Unfortunately, I couldn't write anymore, I had come to a dilemma, do I change the history so both Harry and Dean survive, it felt like such a sell out, as if I was backing out of my own story. Do I write the story that was already written, so sad, my last story ending with such sadness that I just couldn't do it again. The last chapter is actually the real ending, although a large portion of what happened with Harry from the time he left Voyager to the time of his untimely death is left unsaid, I do feel that there is just too much to be said, and this story is already very long.

I hope you have all enjoyed it, I have enjoyed writing it, and reading the reviews. In the future I will be writing another story, again Harry centric, I have learned a lot from writing my last two stories.

Thank you

Demonhunter2 xoxo


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